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The secret is action today, now, this very minute, take that step that will release your creativity.

You did notice that there are no reasons to wait, not good reasons.  So start today.  You know what you have desired to do but haven't started - start today.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the Moments that take our breath away." ~unknown

Yesterday I went on a bit of a nesting spree.  I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen, swept the floors and vacuumed the couch so I could move the cushions around (to at least try and hide some of the rips!) I also baked cookies (ostensibly for Princess to take to school but I forgot and put almond meal in - they have an no nuts policy - oops!), and cooked dinner for us as well as another meal to put in the freezer.  We also went to the doctors twice (once for me, once for Princess) and of course had school drop offs and pick ups.  I even managed an hour's nap somewhere in there.  Lazyboo worked late and didn't get home until about 10.30 so I was on Princess duty all by myself.  At the end of the day I was crushed exhausted (as was Lazyboo after a 12 hour day).  Last night, both of us slept for 7 hours without waking up once.  For the first time in what feels like months.

Of course this morning I still feel completely squashed but that's another thing!  I'm hereby eschewing the whole need to rest thing in the hope of getting better sleep cos when we don't sleep, both of us are miserable.  So today so far I've taken Princess to school and done a big grocery shop.  I'm going to go tidy up the back yard a bit, and attempt to walk the dog this afternoon.  Then tonight we're taking Princess to the movies.  We figure outings like that are going to be much harder in the near future...  I'm also really hoping to fit another nap in (as well as the now absolutely necessary daytime TV)!

For the rest of the week I have many cooking plans.  Our freezer is beginning to look good in terms of stored prepared meals for the first weeks of McBean's life but there's a few more things I want to add.  I'm also going to try and walk the crazy mutt every day.  Poor thing has been more than a bit neglected of late.

So that's my plan for this week.  To stay busy and as tired as I can deal with at the end of every day.  Lazyboo has also been attempting to hatch a plan with McBean.  She was curled up in bed this morning around my belly sternly talking to the boy, telling him that midday on Saturday is a fine time to be born.  On the due date just to show off.  It's convenient for her work, and Princess will be off for some Daddy time.  And it's my late grandmother's birthday.

Did I mention that we're planning to add a second middle name in her memory?  And yes, we are aware that we are saddling our tiny boy with a HUGE name!  She was Dorothy but that won't work so we've reshuffled it and McBean's second middle name will be Theodore.  Unless he's born on Sunday, when the second middle name will be Matthew.  Because it's the tenth anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death, and well worth commemorating.  We've come so far since then, but still have so far to go.  And it doesn't hurt that Matthew is my favourite boy cousin's name (even if it's been FOREVER since we've managed to see him - yes, Cousin M, we will catch up soon!)

First of all, he confirmed that Dr. S from Children's will be involved. But he said that a third doctor (Dr. P) will be involved as well. He is a cardiologist at the Heart Hospital who has lots of experience with vascular issues. They will be trying first to insert a sheath around the existing lead so they can either reposition it or put a new lead in its place. If they can't get a sheath past the occlusion (blockage) in my artery then Dr. P will go up from my groin to balloon open the occlusion long enough to get a sheath through it. They know it won't stay open, but should at least be able to keep it open long enough to finish the procedure. If THAT doesn't work for some reason they may have to go in through another artery on the right side, which sounded really complicated since the ICD is on the left. He says he's hoping he won't have to do that because he is sure I'll probably need the right side some time in the future (didn't like hearing that, but I guess it makes sense).

He did say we could just leave me as is and not do surgery, since there is no research saying how much the third lead helps with heart function in a case like mine. However, I know that I've been feeling better in the last year and I have personally seen what a difference it has made. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I want the surgery to be done because I don't want to go back to getting worse every year.

So now he's got to coordinate 3 doctors' schedules to try and arrange my surgery. He's thinking it will be 2-3 weeks from now. I told him I have the egg retrieval this week and transfer next week, so that will be fine. He suggested that I try calling at the beginning of next week to see if they've gotten it scheduled.

I feel better at least knowing that he's doing everything he can to make sure we're prepared for any situation. I knew he was working on it, I just wish he could have kept me updated along the way. Oh well. At least I know something now! I'll let you know when the surgery is as soon as I find out!

I found a few dominoes, but nothing that wasn't easily fixed on the spot. Now I just have to let it cure for another day or two and then I'm going to really edit it. On paper. I'm going to highlight my -ly words, my internal thoughts, everything. I'm going to make sure every word counts. Then I'm going to send the improved letter and manuscript back to the agent who said I could resubmit. I might try querying a few agents I haven't queried yet. The novel does have a new title now...

Meanwhile, I've been polishing another novel, ELITE. I really want to query this one too, but I think I might wait until I hear about my newly revised novel. Waiting is frustrating!

We left for Lake Hope on Friday. Arrived and set up camp by 7ish. 

Saturday:

Family Photo w/ Roper (hilarious) 

Seth enjoying breakfast w/Roper

Toured the Park

Took a Hike

Around Lake Hope

Until we saw THIS

Seth started campfire (back at camp)

So we could have THESE!

A very wonderful weekend.

Funny Video & Photos Waiting for you

Not sure if this makes sense, but I felt like I should take note.
Just in case I forget.

It has actually been so hectic since I last posted that I can't even remember what has hapened. I feel like the tazmanian devil. Everything is just whirling past me........or I am just whirling past them.

On the ttc side, we have successfully gotten back on the horse. Wierd! Now when I say back on the horse I mean many things. We are doing the 'try naturally every month - just in case' thing. Which is new as we haven't done that since the begining. I pulled out my licky thingy (although I have had no success in using it), I have been working out my most fertile days and then of course we have been doing the deed on those days.

As far as the donor cycle goes we have discovered a few things ....and have some decisions to make. There are two types of agencys, one offers pre-screened donors and they match you. The other lets you pick your donor but the donor has not had any screening. The first has a waiting list of six months and the other has no waiting list.

To be honest I have no idea if it is beneficial to have a pre screened donor or not. But I am swayed by the fact that I can choose my own donor. So hubby and I are leaning towards the agency that offers us that. Once my donor is chosen it will take six weeks to screen her....and if she passes.....a further six weeks to sync her with my cycle. So from selection I am looking at three months to the starting block.All in all I feel very comfortable with all of this.

The only thing that freaks me out is the &*%$# money. My mom has offered her entire bonus to us. Which really freaks me out.....and my stepfather will also help us. We will also put our bonuses in. It's gonna be a lean christmas!

*sigh* On ward my time is nearly here.

i'll think about you...

i want you to come,

come here,

and

save me.

i need to be saved,

loved, cared for, given attention...

so come,

for i am awaiting....

i want you here,

with me.

waiting, yes, waiting...

i do not know...

perhaps, i should stop...

stop waiting...

for you will not come home...

maybe, just maybe...

We saw Dr Rebecca this morning.  McBean has moved somewhat, but only from right to left and hasn't actually dropped at all.  His head is sitting RIGHT on my bladder though.  That wasn't news to me!  His heart beat is still strong and steady.  All is going along nicely.  But just not going anywhere yet!

It's amazing how much more patience I have when I have had some sleep and some reprieve from constant but useless contracting.  There seems to be a pattern - one good night, one bad night.  Last night was fairly good, and Princess has gone back to school (it's so quiet and peaceful!) so today I'm feeling quite relaxed and philosophical.

We did talk to Dr Rebecca about our wish to avoid induction unless absolutely necessary, and after laughing at how ironic that would be, she was very supportive of that.

I can't believe it's October already.  And that we definitely WILL have a baby some time in the next few weeks...

Waiting for the miracle, originally uploaded by annamon (going to Terabithia).

♪♫ Waiting for the miracle, Leonard Cohen ♪♫

Besalú és un municipi de la comarca de la Garrotxa.

Besalú és una població de la comarca de la Garrotxa, situada a 150 metres d'altitud i que compta amb una extensió de 4,81 km2. Com el seu origen indica, Bisuldunum era una fortalesa entre dos rius: el Fluvià al sud i el Capellades al nord.

Gaudeix de bona comunicació en trobar-se en la cruïlla entre 3 comarques : Alt Empordà, Pla de l'Estany i Garrotxa.

Font: Viquipèdia

Photoshop: Dynamic, Blackness, Contrast, Color Correction for white.

Yours,
Manuel Mousiol

Mae Linat © 2008

Of course, I'm speaking tongue in cheek.  Waiting seems to have a connotation, though, of horror.  Yegads, what will I do when I'm not doing anything?  What about all those initiating things I used to do?  I'm going to miss out on something...

I can tell you from past experience, you will not be missing out on anything.  I spent years and years in my teens and twenties bar hopping, party hopping, mall hopping, street cruising, you name it, I did it, and I can tell you without a doubt, you are not missing anything.  There is nothing out there in all those bars or parties or malls or streets that you will find to entertain you for a lifetime.  Short term fix, yes.  The long term version sits inside you, waiting for you to unlock it, to see it, to know it.  So, it's best to wait, because then, when you wait, you see, really see what it is you are missing that you can't find out there in any place...

so, I am waiting, spending a lot of time not doing much of anything.  I'm job searching but instead of searching for a job for the money, the first thing that comes along, I'm looking for a job that I will actually enjoy.  But there is more to working an enjoyable job, like the other people who work there, the rules and policies put into practice, the management and how they communicate those rules and policies...well, I'm a strong individual so, I'm not going to work anywhere I have to have any sense of freedom curtailed.  I'm not following orders, so to speak, if it crushes my expression.  I envy those tribal folks who do what they are told and don't mind it...well, at least my parents, who have tribal circuitry in their designs say: do what you are told, listen to your boss, etc. etc.  And I'm not having any of it.  so, of course, I look like I'm a difficult person.  That's the flip side of being an individual, there is this way that has nothing to do with tribal or collective...I think there is an interesting link from individual to a Manifestor, now bear with me here, it's only my own percpetion.  I know a few manifestors and they don't like to be told what to do, and neither do strong individual circuitry.  Manifestors have an aura that is repelling and nothing can get in, individuals have built within them a deafness that protects their individuality...well, similar, but not quite...

I'm waiting, I'm waiting to be recognized for the right keynotes.  It really sucks to have others notice things in me that aren't accurate.  It's like sometimes I feel like I'm sitting on a goldmine, this genius within that isnt being noticed and I'll spend the rest of my life laying on my bed and writing in a blog...or sitting on a rock, like the thinker, nude and seductive waiting to be noticed...haha...like a statue, I've always thought I'd make a good statue.  Okay, tongue in cheek, however, it is an interesting sidenote that I have actually been mistaken for a statue a few times.

No kidding.  I remember one time, I was sitting on a bench in a park, just watching the ducks on the lake, I was very still and observing the ripples from the ducks waddling and the way the ducks listened to their surroundings.  And someone sat next to me and I moved and they freaked out.  The guy said he had thought I was a statue, that I was so still, that nothing on me moved, he couldn't even feel any energy coming from me at all...my question to him was: what makes you think there would be a statue on a bench in a park anyway?

I remember when I was, gosh, I don't even recall how old I was, in my late teens or early twenties when I did some modeling (not because of my looks, don't ask me how it happened, but it did, it was the midwest, anyone can model there) and I did this statue modeling in a window of a clothing store...weird....I felt like an animal at the zoo.

I posed for a few artists, and the one thing they had said to me was that I was very good at holding a pose, like a statue. ah, there is another seed of please recognize me, look what i've done!!! hey ma!!! haha

Waiting.  Waiting.   Waiting.  During the waiting, I write, I play some music on my keyboards, on my guitar, I take a walk, I do a little yoga or meditate, I drink coffee, I make tea, I listen to the sounds...the sounds of the city waking up, the buzz of energy throughout the day...usually around 4pm, I can hear the buzz fade, it's like all the generators are taking a nap or rushing to the nearest coffee house to get their afternoon fix.  Then the buzz picks up again around rush hour and dies down a bit until it fades into dream land. 

Waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  It's so apparant how just about everything in this projector's life, and probably in all projector's is that seed of recognition...every little action is to get recognized.  So much so that probably every action a projector takes for that recognition looks like a needy attempt at see me please. 

I look back at my life at the times I was recognized, the phases of recognition.  And I look at the times where I wasn't getting recognized at all.  It was during those times of recognition where I was thriving and I had a group of people who I could call my homies.  During the times I wasn't recognized, it was like, worse than having an open spleen.  It was like a drug to be seen.  The last few years for me have been quite a scene of desperate need to be recognized.  Taking unnecessary action to be noticed.  And with a 5/1 profile, feeling that projection field of being seen and projected upon is pretty intense.  It's interesting to watch.

So, waiting, waiting, waiting.  In the waiting, I've been so quiet sometimes for hours that I'm looking so deep into myself, that my body begins to release tension and a light feeling abounds.  Today, my feet were getting hot.  The bottoms of my feet were so hot that it felt like this hot ember of energy coming out of my feet.  my skin is becoming very sensitive to the touch, I can feel things entering my auric field and leaving it.  It is a similar feeling to when I was in massage school and getting a massage everyday for 30 days.  Yikes, it left my skin feeling raw from a nervous system point of view. 

Waiting. waiting, waiting, in the waiting one can see what one does that is part of one's conditioning, and in that, something beautiful arises.

It's tough to know she needs help and to know that if I was only there, I could at least do something to help. But I'm not.

It's tough when I'm disappointed in those who are trying to help her, and can't find the words to express both my gratitude for what they're trying to do and my frustration at what they aren't doing.

It's tough when I feel I should be there sooner, but can't find a way to make it happen.

I hate waiting.  I hate waiting even more when I know I'm needed where I can't be yet.

Waiting Rewarded, So Why the Pain?

My sister just got a boyfriend. Twenty-two years old and this is her first relationship. She has waited and waited, holding off for the one who she could call her own without compromising values and dreams. She has done a much better job at waiting than I have. I have often been too hasty and conceding in my “wait” for Mr. Right, something which in ways I regret. But here she is, positively luminous when she stands by his side, and I am thrilled for her. I want nothing more than for her dreams to be fulfilled in this relationship—if it is indeed the Lord’s will. But at the thought of the two of them together for the rest of their lives, something in me stops: my breath catches in my throat, tears begin to sting my eyes, and my heart feels an acute little jab. Life will never be the same.

Confirmation of a Dream: Aching Excitement

For the past three months I have been praying about cutting my original idea of a college degree short, going to Bible College instead in order to pursue God’s desire for me to become a missionary. I found a school that appeals to me with a program that I love. I have been seeking the Lord’s face for confirmation, and soliciting advice from trusted friends and family. I believe that I am beginning to receive the confirmation I have been looking for, and it is positively thrilling. However, this means that in a year I will no longer be at home with my family. Instead I will be far away, following a new path in a new place. The thought is exciting to me, but it also scares me to death. Life will never be the same.

I Can't Stop this Train

So here I am, staring out over the future and amazed but ready to shrink back into the known, the memories, the comfortable. I want to go back to the moments when my family was together, just the seven of us (eight including my sis-in-law). I want to pause life and remain here a while, soaking in the precious times that we have had and may possibly never have again. I want to stop this train, but it’s impossible. Life will not stop changing, will never stop becoming all that God has planned for it to be.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that?

Anyway, I was reading this on my lunch hour and this paragraph really spoke to me. 

"Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit.  We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow.  It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged.  The waiting does not diminish us.  As a pregnant woman is enlarged in her waiting, so are our hearts.  God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it.  He is after something much more valuable than our happiness.  Much more substantive than our health.  He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory.  And sometimes...it hurts." - Eldredge, 143-144

The parts in bold relate to me so much in my life right now.  I feel God is telling me to wait and to trust in Him.  He has been working on me, telling me for years now that He is the only constant in my life.  He and He alone will sustain me, give me validation.  He will always be there and love me, even in times when I feel abandoned, lonely, and unloved.  It is in waiting that my heart has become more full.

There is a song by Brooke Fraser called, "Love is Waiting."  There's a line in there that says, "...and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start, neither should I rush my way into your heart." 

I long for so much, but I know that God never gives me more than I can handle (so I can obviously handle this season in my life) and He has me here for a purpose.  That's another thing.  That verse, "...he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (I Corinthians 10:13), has really hit me.  I feel like I understand it.  No matter what we're going through, present or future, God tells us we can handle it, so we will get through it.  Maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal to you...but I love meditating in verses like that, that are recited so often that we take them for granted, and then suddenly realizing just how great that is!

The past month may have been pretty stressful - the still undiagnosed eye thing, the autism and developmental delay worries, the incredibly unhelpful "early" start people (which I'll write about when I'm not so angry), Oscar's viral thing (which really might be the measles) and of course the global financial melt-down -  but other than the last thing, they all seem to be the sort of "life" events that just happen and you deal with them.  Part of me was thinking it would be nice not to have that "am I going to get my referral today" cloud hanging over my head.  Instead, what I've found in the past few days is that I was thinking more of what happens if I can't adopt from Ethiopia, and what happens if Oscar ends up being an only child, and even more, why am I letting economic worries keep me from finding my daughter.  Lastly, I found out that my brilliant home study agency forgot to send a copy of their license when they delivered the final document.  My reaction to this wasn't "no big deal, I'm on hold."  It was much more of an "are you kidding me, they're holding up my adoption."  Pretty good sign that I'm not ready to give this up just yet.  Sorry, Oscar, you really are getting a sister.

Yesterday turned me into toast! I was in town nearly the entire day then spent the evening at work trying to stay awake while Andrew hit his head against the wall in frustration at the mail server which is alas again not working right. We finally went home and I was brain dead and totally without any sense of humor Andrew found out.

Yeah, I had contractions allll day long and then NOTHING. So officially is this baby coming before it turns 10? We shall see. I have legitimate reasons to pray the baby comes soon. I won't tell you why other than I think it would be a welcome distraction to my loved ones. Oh that and I am worse than Curious George with a sugar high. I am seriously starting to rub my ankles as they say it is supposed to naturally get things going. Maybe I should start sticking pins in them for a do it yourself acupuncture treatment? Hm. I am off to research do it yourself acupuncture. Haha. I would seriously get it if our tiny town had an alternative medicine clinic. Although I have to say a pregnancy massage would be a lot more welcome.

39 week pictures. Notice how Mr. or Miss Baby has dropped quite a bit lower. Hence why I wear skirts and dresses near exclusively these days. The panels on my maternity jeans constrict right where the baby's bulge is--now that it so low.  Also this is the same shirt I took my first pregnancy picture in. Here's the comparison of week 5, 17 and 39.

Week 5 the week the tests gave a positive. At this point it amazes me to ever think of having a semi flat stomach! Yikes. That was a while ago.

Week 17-just starting to show and feel baby acrobatics.

Week 39!

Yes I have a head. You will have to trust me on the feet part.

TYLER! The SCRUFFSTER! He needs a bit of a clip. Please pardon. There is a sweet heart buried under all that fuzz.