O gongo tocou pontualmente às 4:00 e eu não conseguí segurar um "Ah! Nãããooo!" que saiu alto e com certeza afetou alguns companheiros de dormitório. Eu não tinha dormido quase nada! Tentei continuar na cama mas o barulho dos trogloditas mijando, escarrando, molhando todo o chão do banheiro com suas chuveiradas descontroladas, assoando o nariz, tossindo, espirrando, não me permitiu. Às 5:00 o silêncio voltou e eu tive esperanças de dormir meia horinha e chegar atrasado à meditação matinal. Mas eis que me surge o Karma Police e me acorda! Quase mato ele, e quase me mato de vergonha. Tive que me aguentar e sair no escuro da madrugada e no frio. "Como pode estar frio em Julho? É verão! Que bosta de Catalunya. A Europa toda é uma bosta."

Mas tudo isso foi fichinha comparando com os cânticos do Goenka. Cara, é meia hora de sapo agonizante! Eu não sei o que ele tá dizendo em pali. Pode ser algo como: "Entrego a vós, Satan, todas estas almas que vieram por conta própria a este Centro de adoração do Mal" Desconcentra minha meditação, não me inspira, nada! Saí na metade e fui deitar. Se o coordenador viesse me acordar de novo eu chutava ele e dizia que tava deprimido, ou doente, sei lá.

 Mas o Karma Police não veio e eu conseguí relaxar, rindo de raiva e me espreguiçando, estalando todos os ossos. Fui pro café-da-manhã atrasado e foi bom evitar a fila de brutamontes esfomeados. Mas o leite acabou! Não! O leite não pode acabar! É meu único prazer nesta porcaria! Tive que fazer meu Cacaolat com um restinho de leite de soja e xinguei os organizadores até a quinta geração. Não quis pedir mais leite porque não posso falar e o curso é grátis, tirando toda sua autoridade de "cliente". Além disso o Vitor Hugo ia pensar "Ué, não tem leite toma chá". É a tragédia da minha vida, essa preocupação com o que os outros vão pensar... Que puxa...

 Comparei meu progresso de ontem com as infinitas dificuldades de hoje e foi totalmente frustrante. Por que eu não tenho progresso? Todos parecem tão entusiasmados: O Steven Segall, o Nicholas Cage, o Hugh Grant, o Seqüelado, o Catalão, o Caminhoneiro, o Lord Toskus, o Marinheiro, o Sensei, o Romeno Rosa, o Ghandi, o Hippongo... E o Vitor Hugo amarradão lá na frente... E o professor, que nem se mexe quando uma mosca pousa no olho dele?

 Um dos refúgios que eu tinha criado eram as caminhadas pelo jardim, que acabavam sendo extensões da meditação. Hoje esses passeios eram discussões infinitas entre meu pai-general, meu artista-hippie, meu cientista-hipocondríaco e meu monje-bonachão. Esquizofrenia total. Pensei seriamente em voltar pra Barcelona e assumir que sou um Homer Simpson.

 Guardei esperanças de salvação pro discurso noturno. O Goenka começou a falar da aceitação do sofrimento e me deu raiva. Nem prestei atenção direito, porque "isso é bla-bla-bla pra monje que abraça árvore e eu sou um urbanóide neurótico com um passado triste". Mas o velhinho continuava: "...Obviamente a doença, a velhice, a morte a as dores mentais e físicas são conseqüências inevitáveis de ter nascido. Então por que nascemos? É um processo natural do Universo. E mesmo depois da morte o processo continua, apodrecendo nossos corpos enquanto nossa consciência se conecta com alguma outra estrutura material, onde vai continuar sofrendo." Animador, não? Bonito! "Seu birmanês psicopata, tá acabando comigo! Satisfeito?" E ele continua: "E por que isso acontece? Porque você é muito apegado, devido à ignorância!" Tipo: A culpa é toda sua, seu burro. E nem adianta pensar em suicídio que não tem pra onde fugir!

 Dizia ele que praticando Vipassana era possível cortar a corrente de causas do sofrimento. A corrente é, resumidamente: contato-sensação-apego-reação-nascimento-outro contato e assim por diante. "Mas tem que praticar com determinação!" Aí é que toca meu ponto fraco, porque acho que não estou fazendo direito, que estou sendo preguiçoso, ou que simplesmente não tenho o menor potencial pra disciplina, vide o meu sofrimento de manhã e todas as estratégias que eu crio pra não encarar o problema de frente. "Caraca, sou uma negação, uma fraude. Vou sofrer por toda a eternidade!"

 Ao deitar me ocorreu o pensamento de que se minha mãe estivesse viva nada disso estaria acontecendo. Chorei igual criança e dormí profundamente.

 Não é pra fingir que está tudo bem, porque não está. Pode ser que esteja realmente horrível, mas ESTÁ! É isso e ponto. Espernear me fez sofrer muito no 2º dia e agora eu me sentia poderoso na minha equanimidade.

 À tarde conseguí entender claramente a técnica, sentir acontecendo comigo. Mas o que me deixou eufórico foi descobrir que eu já fazia isso há muito tempo, essa coisa de escanear as sensações do corpo. Acabei descobrindo sozinho nos meus experimentos no meu quarto na época da faculdade. Mas eu achava que isso era material demais, corporal demais, e que era uma distração da mente, que deveria se focar no vazio (seja lá o que fosse isso). Não existe vazio! O melhor foco é o corpo mesmo. Não deixar a mente sair do perímetro do corpo é estar presente, alerta, vivo. Em 2000 a 2003 eu achava que estava usando essa sensibilidade em relação ao corpo como uma droga natural porque em vários momentos era muito prazeroso, então eu evitava. Gostei muito de saber que eu estava fazendo "certo" mas lamentei o desperdício de ter passado tantos anos buscando o vazio, a ausência de pensamentos. Muita ingenuidade. Não existe ausência de pensamentos enquanto existir um cérebro vivo, pulsante, elétrico. Questão de sobrevivência. Quem confia em Darwin vai me entender.

Fiquei eufórico demais e até chorei no jardim olhando minha árvore favorita com o céu azul-rosa-laranja ao fundo. Era exatamente esse reencontro o que eu buscava quando me matriculei nessa loucura.

 O discurso da noite tirou dúvidas mais específicas sobre a técnica mas também entrou mais na teoria do budismo: a lei do karma e os quatro agregados (consciência, percepção, sensação e reação). Ressaltou também que manter-se alerta e equânime é a única maneira de sair do sofrimento de forma segura, firme e duradoura. Eu pessoalmente não acredito em fim do sofrimento, mas acho que Buda se referia ao espernear, à negação do sofrimento, à não-aceitação, que tira toda a beleza dos pares de opostos.

 Fui deitar com os olhos esbugalhados e não dormí nada.

Check that picture out! Can't you just feel how charming, spiritual, yet metropolitan I must be?!

There's no formal meditation log, but I've been "enjoying my breath" on the regular four times a week for almost a year. I say hello to my in-breath, and say good-bye to the out. When thoughts arise in my big brain, I note them, label them and release; as is the practice in Vipassana or "Insight" style meditation. And when a pesky thought appears, there is no need to push it away. Following the advice of my imaginary best friends Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield I simply bow to that thought saying, "This too." Please, my apartment is not huge, but my heart is! Tara and Jack told me so! So it goes a little something like this...

In, Out, In, Out, Chocolate cake--thought!, In, Out, In, Chocolate Cake--thought, Out, In, Out, In, there's a murderer in my apartment--ahhh fear, Out, In, Out, In, Out, I want to go to Australia --Planning, In, Out, In, Out, In, Out, Ohhh, this is nice--pleasure, In, Out, In, Out, Paula Abdul--weird, In, Out, In, Out....

Although each session is different, I've been loving every one. Sometimes it just makes me feel nice and relaxed afterward. If I'm sad, I fire up that mat with those feelings and let them burn away. My face is a mess with tears, but my heart feels open and heard at the end. Good stuff. But the BEST stuff, when I'm really cookin' during meditation, my very favorite is Metta or "Lovingkindess" meditation. Now before I describe this practice, in the interest of full disclosure I feel as though I must show you my meditation mat and the support I have under the cushion to help with my feet falling asleep issue.

I'm not exactly a professional is what I'm trying to say. But anyone I link up to in this entry is, so definitely check them out.

Metta is all about exploring how big, comfy and soft your heart really is. I like to think of it as THE cardio workout. When you feel as though you're in a good place, you begin by repeating these phrases of lovingkindness, directing towards yourself.

May I be happy
May I be healthy.
May I be peaceful.
May I live at ease.

When you're feeling all loved and happy, bring to mind a benefactor or friend. This should be someone who isn't complicated. We're talking your best-ies, or a family member. Like, don't pick your friend of 10 years who is hilarious, but who may in fact be a cleptomaniac. (They'll get your love too, just not in this section).

Once you've sent your friend lots of Metta, it's time to move to a neutral person. This is someone whom you don't really know at all; no feelings one way or another in your everyday life. I personally love this one, because for some reason my neutral person is always an employee at my local Dunkin Donuts. Always.

You're now in love with yourself, your friend and a Dunkin Donuts employee. It's time to move on to the biggie; send your love to an enemy. Alright, calm down. It doesn't have to be Pol Pot. You can only send as much love as you can handle right now, and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Think of this more as the "it's complicated" section. It can be a challenge, but you would be surprised how open you are at this point in the meditation. I mean, if you can love a stranger, you could probably love that funny cleptomaniac, right? (See, I told you!)

And finally, when your heart is all warmed up get ready for the final phase of metta. Send your love to all beings everywhere. As you move through each phase and select someone to Metta, you're kind of forced to acknowledge that "we're all in the same soup" here. (Best Anne Lamott quote ever.) Why not invite everyone to your Metta-fest? If you're my age, think of this final phase of Metta as the Care Bear Stare.

Ok, so can you give me some props now?! I've been working hard on and off that mat to just Be Here Now. When I walk down the city streets happy, I note "happy" and keep on trucking with my big-ass heart. If someone says something so stupid to me I can't believe it, I note "sad and angry as hell". Then I sit on the mat I send metta both my and my enemy's way. Up until July, I am pretty sure I was the best Buddhist in the world

And then something happened.
I don't know what.
All I know is I was feelin' mighty low.

I am never exactly awesome at the end of summer in New York City, so it's not that much of a surprise. The humidity is gross, the breeze is non-existent and there's always a faint trace of poop smell in the air. But summer in New York City as a Buddhist was feeling pretty impossible. Be here? Now?! Are you kidding me?

It wasn't just the challenges of the climate here that was killing me. There were some pretty big life questions and disappointing answers swirling around in my head. But I couldn't even pick out what they were individually to get a handle on them in meditation. I felt all twisted up and blind to it all. Meditations were basically going like this: Breathe in...this weather is bulls--t. Breathe out...I swear to God, I am freaking outta here!

I was losing faith, my brothers and sisters. Are you there Buddha? It's me, Sarah... But whatever... In Buddhism, it's all supposed to be workable right? So I was going to make this end of summer pits work for me!

First steps first, since I couldn't get anywhere near Metta in my deep Pits state, I called on reinforcements. Lucky for me, my friend Susan Piver, a certified Shambhala meditation instructor and author, was on a solo 30 day meditation/writing retreat in Colorado! She's gotta have some sort of connections, right? So I shot off a quick email telling her I was fine, but I was also a currently a disaster. It may be A, B or C, but I didn't know. "If you have a sec, could you send some Metta my way?" I got an email a few hours later, "Of course!" and the day following, "Done!". Excellent, check that off the list.

Then I decided to try very, very hard to fall back in love with my city ...even though the stifling humidity was making it impossible to blow my hair out. Since I really couldn't feel the Metta for New York, I made a conscious effort to engage in New York on all of those Metta levels. When the weather was halfway decent, I sat on my fire escape like I used to when I first moved here. I cleaned the hell out of my Queens apartment, and even baked a cake in my tiny-ass kitchen. (I know baking in early August, not so smart. But the smell of cake can make anyone a little happier, right?) I even introduced myself to my favorite "barista" at Dunkin' Donuts who makes my Turbo Coconut Iced Coffe with Milk just right...her name is Nazma!! And all the while, I'm looking at my Buddha in the bedroom, just waitin' on my blessings. Come on, already! Lay it on me!

Now, maybe if I had asked nicely I would have received them in some awesome, dramatic Buddhist vision! All of my chakras would release and I would see all of my lifetimes lined up, all of my petty worries at rest. But the blessings sort of crept up on me, at work of all places.

I went to visit one of my favorite DP's at a shoot that was happening in my building. When I got there, my six closest work friends were already there cracking up about the t-shirt selection of one of our friends. He made the really poor decision of wearing an orange t-shirt with blue trim, that perfectly matched his baseball cap with the Tide detergent logo...that Tide logo was basically now a target. As we all picked his brain to find out what led up to that awesome wardrobe choice, I felt an overwhelming sense of family. It really felt exactly like I was hanging out with my brothers and sisters...and that is saying a lot. "Ohhhh, I love these people." And when I thought of family, I remembered my real family and how indescribable my connection to them is, "Ohhhh, they're the best." And I thought of Susan in Colorado, trying to write a freaking book and getting an email with a rushed Metta request. "Ohhh, I love Susan".

"Ohhhh, I love Nazma."
"Ohhhh, I love Joy the Baker for her cake recipe and baking blog"
And my mortal enemy, "Oh, New York... I can't stay mad at you!"

Metta, up close and way personal. Alright, Buddha, I get it.

I caught these hussie leaves changing right outside of my apartment building today. I am psyched. As an upstate New Yorker who grew up down the road from apple orchards, the fall is my jam! Cute coats and hats, cider donuts and crazy foliage. I fall in love with fall every year. But I will never forget this summer in New York City and our rocky relationship. By falling out of love and fighting hard to bring it back, we made enough Metta to get me all the way through the end of the year...and maybe even into the treacherous emotional tundra of January and February.

Much Metta.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

It was easy for me to get on board with the Kadampas at first, after studying Vipassana in New York for 9 years but never really finding a teacher in that tradition on whom I could rely. I strayed as that practice, although highly beneficial in leading me on a spiritual path, never really took. I see now that, for me, it was the absence of a local teacher, someone I could watch and listen to and spend time with and work with and have disagreements with and finally to practice with, really, after the initial exhilaration wore off, my father died, and I knew I’d better get down to business. Me, being one who is severely infested with the poison of attachment (just a mind, I know, but boy is it a sticky one), had to have a teacher in my life, one right there, present and central, to lead me out of this mess.

It’s Geshe Kelsang who, I see now, sets things up this way in his incomparably compassionate system of local centers and their qualified resident teachers, study programs, and annual festivals where we can all meet and compare notes. He sets it up, having that million mile into the future vision, knowing we need a spiritual guide, we need someone who can guide us, lead us, teach us, pacify us, increase us, control us and finally, if we’re really lucky, be wrathful with us, like a kind parent, wearing the mask of anger, but never giving into that distorted mind, refusing to put up with our childish, manipulative, whiny behavior.

So I speak personally here: If I don’t have someone in my life who has the compassionate courage to guide me in this way, I won’t make it out of samsara. No way. Because like so many others who seek spiritual knowledge, who seek a way out of suffering, I want it to be easy. I want it to be so easy. So easy that if someone tells me to do something I don’t want to do – like give up my mind of anger or jealousy because it’s not helping me – I’ll just look for another teacher to tell me something I want to hear – like, “don’t worry, you’ve got time, no need to change anytime soon.” Of course, teachings are like a doctor’s medicine: there are different medicines for different diseases which manifest differently in each and every person. The Dharma teachings I need may not be the ones my fellow Sangha members may need. The teacher is the one to decide this, depending on our dynamic, a dependent arising, based on what I am bringing to him at any given time (and what he is bringing to me).

Which brings me to Dorje Shugden and why I’m writing this blog. When I first came to Chakrasambara Buddhist Center seven years ago, I’d heard some stirrings of the controversy about the practice of Dorje Shugden, the Dharma Protector and the Dalai Lama’s ban of this practice in the Tibetan exiled communities in India and elsewhere. By then I’d already begun deeply enjoying my teacher’s classes and saw and felt his pure example. I didn’t at the time know much about Dorje Shugden, but I felt that if my teacher, who was so devoted and had been for 20 some odd years to his teacher, Geshe Kelsang, believed deeply in the benefits of this practice, then I was willing to “put it on the back burner” for now, give it the benefit of the doubt, give it room to grow in my mind until I could understand it better. I did this because I felt sure that whatever my teacher was doing had to be right. This was determined over a period of time in which I was skeptical, I was watching. I’d already been putting into practice some of his teachings (which are Geshe Kelsang’s teachings) and saw huge progress in my life – I was happier, more content, more willing to grow and recognize negative minds, wrestling with my delusions rather than giving them full course. I was changing.

I’d heard other, scarier stirrings of the New Kadampa Tradition being a cult and so forth. I examined this very thoroughly in my own heart, but I must say, I didn’t have to do this for too long. I just knew it was not a cult. No one was asking me for money, or to give up my friends and family. The people I was meeting at the center were artists, lawyers, doctors, students, dancers, mothers, fathers, architects, designers, clowns (yes, clowns), such with-it people who I felt kin to. I thought, “if these folks are involved, then this must be legit.” For one thing, the NKT is too big to be considered a cult. You just can’t have that many people, nearly 1000 centers worldwide, some with more than 100 students in any given class, in a cult. Cults are small and obscure and deceptive. They hide because they know they are wrong, that there’s something wrong going on. There is nothing wrong going on here, both conventionally and ultimately speaking.

Since those earlier days I’ve come to rely deeply on my practice of Dorje Shugden. For me, he is the deity who protects me, who protects my Dharma jewels, who protects my practice, who helps me remember how to do this, where to go, what to do; he is the one who teaches me protection and how to be a protector to others. He is a Buddha, my Dorje Shugden. And for me he is deeply personal. He is the same mind as my Guru. I have progressed because of him, because of Geshe Kelsang, and his Gurus, Trijang Rinpoche, and Je Phabonkhapa, and of course, because of the Holy Guru, Je Tsongkhapa, who in turn relied upon his Root Gurus going back to Buddha Shakyamuni. I have progressed because of Geshe Kelsang's local representative, my teacher.  I could go further than that, but for now you get the point. Without a Guide (and I’m assuming you’re on a spiritual path if you are reading this now) we are nowhere.

Without a Guide, we aren’t practicing Buddhism in this tradition. I’m not saying anyone else has to follow this tradition. I’m simply asking that others not try to change my tradition by calling it evil, by calling me a devil worshipper, as the Dalai Lama has.

Up until now, I’ve managed to, in my own hiding ways, ignore the Dalai Lama’s ban on Dorje Shugden. I didn’t think his reasons made any sense and I didn’t think it mattered so much. I didn’t have enough compassion to see that it would matter so significantly and so disastrously to future generations, to the future mental continuum that is “me” and now, to the hundreds of Tibetans in India, and in other exiled communities (even in Queens, New York, Tibetans are being pegged as traitors and ostracized), who have been thrown out of their homes, their monasteries, who have been denied basic rights and needs such as the ability to buy food and other crucial resources for survival. Suffice it to say, there’s been a fire lit under my compassionate, ah, streak and it’s starting to rage.

What the Dalai Lama is doing is starting a civil war among his already weakened people. This is the external appearance. But what is happening internally to us, to them and to future generations of practitioners who fall under the influence of the Dalai Lama's advice, is a deeper weakening and an even greater spiritual disaster.

I believe that if our practices are diluted (please confuse that with “deluded”), we won’t have insights, we won’t have realizations, we won’t be able to receive blessings to achieve these much needed entries to our Guru, to our own deepest heart, we will be prevented from doing this. We will be prevented from achieving enlightenment, finally, not because of Dorje Shugden, like he has anything to do with it, as if he were some malevolent, jealous “spirit” who can wreak havoc on our daily blessing infusion just because we’re deciding not to worship him or because we’re hanging out with and in other traditions or reading “other” books.

It will happen because we won’t be relying on our Spiritual Guides anymore. We will have half-heartedly decided that the Dalai Lama, who is at best, confused by politics and worldly concern for celebrity, is our leader. We will give up our own Gurus (who we’ve developed a relationship over a long period of time and who is mixed with our own wisdom, who is our own wisdom, who we live with, sometimes physically in the same town, the same city, the same world). We will have decided that they or he/she is wrong, has gotten it wrong, has been duped. It’s very difficult once you’ve decided that an integral teaching or practice given and practiced by your own Spiritual Guide is misguided or flat wrong, to then have faith in everything else he or she is teaching.

I believe that if we can’t stick with our Spiritual Guides (of course, after many years of watching, of testing, of overcoming our doubts, of reasoning, of trying, of tasting, of practicing), then we are nowhere. We are out on our own and might as well, in my case, go back to reading one self-help book per week and hoping that things will work out in samsara.

I want to tell you with a lot of non-deluded pride that I am a practicing Kadampa. I follow the teachings of Geshe Kelsang Gyatso who follows the teachings of Buddha. I am so grateful and damn lucky to be here. I live in New York City and am a songwriter, a musician, a teacher, a healer, a freelance this and that and I’ve got many friends, both in my center and out of it. I love to talk about spirituality and discuss at great length with all of my friends who follow different spiritual paths: born-again Christians, Zen Buddhists, atheists, alcoholics, and so on and so on. My main intention is to love as best as I can. But don’t confuse love with emotional silliness. If someone is doing something that I feel is wrong like my niece trying to eat an entire bag of Sour Patch candies for breakfast or much more terrifying, the Dalai Lama, enforcing and encouraging the practice of relying on a Spiritual Guide to degenerate, I will stand up and protest. I will demonstrate with a lot of passion and commitment, most likely while smiling because I can’t help myself – I’m happy and secure and confident in this family with firm faith in my teachers and Spiritual Guides and what we are all doing to keep our tradition powerful and strong for us and others.

Sich selbst lieben und beobachten

Die Essenz, die in jeder Meditationstechnik zu finden ist, hat Buddha im Dhammapada formuliert:

Love yourself and watch -
today, tomorrow, always.

Die Methode ist so einfach und könnte in jedem Moment praktiziert werden, wären wir nicht weit davon entfernt, uns zu lieben oder unvoreingenommen und wachsam wahrzunehmen. Über Jahrhunderte hinweg haben sich unzählige Meister aller Traditionen ihrer Schüler erbarmt und alle Arten von Techniken entwickelt, die ihnen den Weg erleichtern sollen. Im Folgenden eine nicht repräsentative Auswahl ...

Traditionelle Meditationstechniken

Zazen
Vipassana Meditation
Mantras rezitieren

Zazen wird in der japanischen Tradition des Zen (einer Abspaltung des Buddhismus) praktiziert, Vipassana und Mantras im Buddhismus und im Hinduismus. Allen diesen Techniken ist gemein, dass sie weitgehend ohne körperliche Bewegung sind und strenge Regeln auferlegen, die sich über einen längeren Lebenszeitraum hinziehen.

• Zazen ist eine sehr disziplinierte Methode, bei der bewegungslos, wachsam in einer bestimmten Körperhaltung gesessen wird. Zazen ist das richtige für Menschen, die Strukturen und Disziplin lieben.
Ein praktizierender Mönch erklärt die Technik von Zazen

• Die Meditationsmethode der Vipassana Meditation dreht sich um den Atem. Ähnlich wie im Zazen wird die traditionelle Meditation der Vipassana mit einem Ehrenkodex verbunden, als Hilfe, sich nicht im gewohnten Denken zu verlieren. Wenn einmal in der Tiefe verstanden ist, was Wahrnehmen und Beobachten bedeutet, dann ist die Vipassana Meditation überall und immer zu praktizieren.
Short Introduction to Vipassana Meditation

• Viele Mantra-Meditationstechniken beruhen auf traditionellen hinduistischen Lehren. Die Gefahr dieser Methoden ist die Einschläferung des Verstandes durch ständige Wiederholung, Wachsamkeit ist dabei nur schwer aufrecht zu halten. Ein Beispiel von praktizierter Mantra Meditation:
Mantra - Om Mani Padme Hum

Traditionelle aktive Meditationsmethoden

Tanz der Derwische (Whirling)
Gurdjieffs Heilige Tänze
112 Book of Secrets Meditationen

Wie schon oben erwähnt, gibt es soviele Meditationstechniken, wie es Meister gibt und gegeben hat. Es ist mir unmöglich, einen kompletten Überblick zu geben. Deshalb hier nur eine minimale Auswahl an Methoden, die ich selbst als besonders wohltuend empfunden habe.

• Aus der arabischen Sufi Tradition kommt der Tanz der Derwische. Die Schüler drehen sich hingebungsvoll um ihre eigene Achse, sie lösen sich in der Liebe auf und sinken in den Raum der Wachsamkeit.
Whirling Dervishes
Auch heute noch wird der Tanz der Derwische praktiziert, in moderner Form im Osho International Meditation Resort. Videha, Lehrer der "Sufi Whirling Meditation" im Osho Resort, erklärt in dem folgenden Videoclip: "Die Essenz der Methode ist zu dem unbeweglichem Zentrum in der Mitte der Bewegung zu gelangen, dem Raum von bewusster Wahrnehmung..."
The Touch of the Divine

• Gurdjieffs Heilige Tänze sind eine Meditationsmethode, die ebenfalls aus alter Tradition stammen. Ein Ausschnitt aus dem Film über Gurdjeffs Suche:
"Meetings with Remarkable Men". Der Abt des Klosters erklärt, die Schüler bewegen sich ohne Unterbrechung durch ihren Körper. Die ganzen Automatismen werden aufgelöst und zurück bleibt liebevolle Wahrnehmung.
Eine westliche Demonstration "Ho Ya" im Osho Resort

Auch die Gurdjeff Tänze werden heute noch praktiziert, zum Beispiel auf Korfu.

• Die 112 Meditationstechniken aus dem tantrischen Buch der Geheimnisse arbeiten mit Wahrnehmung auf vielen Ebenen. Ein paar Beispiele:

Die Kunst des Zuhörens
Mitten im größten Verlangen wende dich ab
Fühle mit jedem Lebewesen
Balsam auf Beziehungswunden

Zeitgemäße aktive Meditationsmethoden

OSHO Dynamische Meditation
OSHO Kundalini Meditation
OSHO Mystic Rose Meditation

Der moderne, reizüberflutete, psychisch angespannte Mensch braucht aktive Meditationstechniken, um liebevoll wahrnehmen zu können. Er ist so voll mit Eindrücken und psychischen Belastungen, dass es ihm schwerfällt, sich dem Raum der Wahrnehmung hinzugeben. Die Osho Meditationstechniken beginnen alle mit körperlich aktiven Phasen und dann erst folgt stilles Nichts-Tun. Der Körper und der Verstand werden zunächst erschöpft, damit Hingabe und Loslassen danach relativ einfach passieren können.

OSHO Dynamische Meditation
OSHO Kundalini Meditation
OSHO Mystic Rose Meditation 1. Teil
Mehr über den 3-wöchigen Prozess

Es gäbe noch so viel mehr über Meditationstechniken zu sagen, vielleicht mache ich mal wieder einen Noseletter, bei dem ich auf Vor- und Nachteile einzelner Techniken eingehen werde. Ich kann nur empfehlen, mit allen möglichen Techniken zu experimentieren. Eine Methode auswählen und sie am besten ein paar Wochen lang ausprobieren, tief in die Technik eindringen und wenn sie nicht beglückt, dann zur nächsten weitergehen. Solange, bis Buddhas letztendliche Meditationsübung zum Lebensalltag geworden ist, 24 Stunden lang:

Liebe dich selbst und beobachte

Viel Spaß beim Experimentieren
wünscht

Samarpan

PS: Der Webdesigner von FindYourNose.com stellt sich vor
PPS: Welche Meditationstechnik passt zu mir?

Den wöchentlichen Noseletter hier bestellen!

Die Sekunden Meditation von FindYourNose.com

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]]> http://sriniani.wordpress.com/?p=175 Fri, 22 Aug 2008 08:41:02 +0000 sriniani http://sriniani.wordpress.com/?p=175

Source: Photophilde

Recently, my perceptions of certain group of people have been coloured by the current religious and political events of our country. The group includes some of my close friends. I am ashamed of my narrow minded thinking. I was wondering why humans have so little control over their minds. They are easily swayed by the slightest of the impulses. Trivial incidents and events which have no personal relation could seriously damage even life-long relationships.

I remember my talk with the vipassana teacher during Q&A session at Vippassana meditation centre. On being asked why I should close my eyes while meditating, teacher explained me that whatever one sees even for a fraction of second-it may be the expression of person before us, person himself, or for that matter any thing which we like or dislike-is capable of swaying the mind at that spur of the moment. If such slight impulses could disturb our mind, think of what news of serious political, religious and sociological events and happenings criss-crossing our daily lives could do to our minds.  May be because of that I find myself restless and agitated after reading newspaper or watching news in TV. Now I understand why the organisers of the meditation course were insisting on keeping away all these tools of perturbation to lead undisturbed lives. But I feel that it is too impractical a solution.

Observing these emotional issues with a sense of objective detachment might help us in not getting influenced by them. Or, as one of my friends has observed in her post, preventing oneself from taking an extreme stance on any issue leaving room for alternative thinking might help us in developing a liberal attitude.

Speak soon.

much love.

Novamente a meditaçao matinal foi uma luta contra o sono e distrações mentais, em especial lembranças dos sonhos. Sonhei muito ao longo de todo o curso. A diferença a partir deste terceiro dia é que eu comecei a perceber que o maior sofrimento não era exatamente não conseguir me concentrar. Era a FRUSTRAÇÃO de não conseguir me concentrar a essa hora da madrugada. Se eu aceitasse minha própria limitação e tentasse fazer o possível dentro dela, o sofrimento seria bem menor.

A granola melhorou!

Passei o resto do dia abstraindo totalmente a existência dos outros estudantes. Foi excelente. A gente pensa que ficar dez dias sem falar vai ser terrível, mas a verdade é que é muito relaxante não precisar cumprimentar ninguém, sorrir, ser simpático, fingir interesse, ser esperto, educado, engraçado, interessante, genial, nada disso. Foi aí que começei a perceber a oportunidade única e valiosíssima que eu estava tendo, de poder me dedicar 100% ao desenvolvimento da minha introspecção e ainda aprender uma nova técnica de meditação!

Depois da siesta é que eu começo a funcionar direito. Entrei firme no anapana. É a técnica básica que concentra a mente usando a própria respiração. Basta observar, sem rotular e sem julgar, as sensações provocadas pela entrada e saída do ar. Começamos usando uma área grande de contato, mas hoje a gravação do Goenka pediu que fechássemos ainda mais o ângulo da nossa lupa mental, observando somente a pequena região logo abaixo das narinas. Fui muito bem sucedido e fiquei satisfeito com meu progresso, mas eu sei que dá pra ir muito além disso. Eu tava muito enferrujado mesmo!

O discurso de ontem falou dos três aspectos éticos e dos três aspectos técnicos do Nobre Caminho Óctuplo. Hoje o Goenka reservou pra falar dos dois aspectos mais abstratos, vinculados à sabedoria. Também veio com um papo muito doido sobre como o Buda percebeu a existência de partículas sub-atômicas centenas de anos antes da física quântica. Essas teorias são interessantes pra gente repensar a solidez da realidade, mas não adianta nada ficar no plano intelectual. Só pela meditação e pela intuição você vê a falta de consistência daquilo que você chama de "eu".

Next item. I have taken the time to create several talks about a variety of meditation frequently asked questions that I get.

Not too long ago I made an introductory video to introduce an article I posted about the phenomena of the Dark Night of the Soul.

Soon after I was stalled for a muse to talk about the spiritual experience I had back in 2000 that stabilized me and gave me a reason to live. So I made a video about it instead, resolving the question of how to tell if you have been possessed demonically, spiritually or inhabited by aliens and what to do about it.

This week, pressed with a sense of urgency I have been releasing talk after talk about meditation covering FAQs and much more.

Can you meditate on drugs? Can you meditate on entheogens, street drugs, psych meds etc?

Meditation, spirituality and drugs.

There is quite a few beginning meditation videos out there on the Tubes and I was not intending on making one myself. After a recent spate of heartfelt requests that I give a talk about it I gave in and made a Meditation for Beginners video. God help you now.

A few weeks ago I released a long fuzzy video about Meditation, ptsd and trauma triggers and discuss how you should use meditation to release yourself from the prison of psycho emotional triggers that limit your life experience and options.

Today I may have released my most contentious meditation video yet. You will probably agree totally with me or you will disagree vehemently with me. Maybe both here and there. That is ok with me. I am not going to pretend to have all the answers. I am not a scholar or historian or disciple of Buddhism, Taoism or Zen.

Repeatedly I get asked:

What is the best meditation?

What meditation do you, Jane, recommend?

Do I need a meditation teacher? Why?

Do I need a meditation community? Why?

This video answers all that.

Meditation: best kinds, finding teachers, origins of

There is religious and *intellectual* paths and then there is just sitting. My meditation heroes, Da Mo, Dogen and Siddhartha all got some basic training in meditation and then they went and did the hard work of doing it and seeing where it would go. They practiced for long periods by themselves, in isolation without a communal reinforcement or constant guidance from an attentive teacher.

Da Mo Dogen Siddhartha

I chose not to be a Buddhist or aspire to Boddhisattvahood. I chose not to be a Tao Shr or Lao Shr or whatever. I chose not to go to a TM foundation, a Tibetan Buddhist Monastery or a yoga ashram in India or or a Soto zendo in Japan.

Instead I did a kind of *meta analysis* of meditation. I have stacks of books about the subject and have had perhaps over a dozen meditation teachers over the years.

I realized I did not need to work on Koans or learn the Lotus Sutra or hear satsang in a sangha in order to meditate and gain benefit from it.

Instead I realized that you could separate out all the *ism* portions of religion and mysticism and just focused on certain practices like being present, dissolving, breathing, sitting, standing and moving and gain incredible benefit from it. You practice ontology. Forget the word ontology or existential and just work on the important stuff. Breath, relax, inhale, exhale, dissolve the content of your mind and body and ask yourself, really ask yourself. "Who am I?, What do I want? Who is it that asks? Where am I? Why am I? What is it that opens and closes it's eyes? Who is that sleeps and eats and defecates? Where is the Inquirer that is inquiring?"

Keep breathing and dissolving. The end result may just be a spiritual accident which turns out to be life changing.

Do not worry about enlightenment, kensho, *getting it* or chasing sensations. Do not let your search for validation for your experience cheapen it or distract you from getting on with more work as needed.

When I had my experience I kept it to myself quite frankly. I did not email everyone I knew and babble enthusiastically about my experience searching for validation from others. "Did I do it? Is it real? Is it can be enlightenment time? Is this kensho? What happened? Can you explain it? Am I dialed in now?

I kept my mouth shut about it for years.

Only upon reflection did I realize the nature of what happened to me. It was a major internal adjustment and realization but no more or less than that. It was a powerful series of enlightenments, insights, realizations and vibrations culminating a long series of them that had occurred during the previous years as a result of my honest and earnest practice.

I did not ask for an explanation or validation then and I do not now. There is no need to pigeon hole my personal experience into some pseudo meditation experience hierarchy. Besides, how many people do you know that tried to detect and exorcise a possessing spirit using meditation and chi gung? I was in uncharted waters and I mapped them myself on my own terms out of necessity and desperation.

Enlightenment and spiritual powers are for those that really want them. I was not looking for either when I had my spiritual experience. I just wanted to be sane. Not perfect or a model saint. Just sane and reasonably normal.

They say meditation takes a normal person and elevates him or her to a superior person. I don't know anything about that. All I know is that I was an inferior person and meditation elevated me to a level of normalcy. That is what I know about, that is what I can teach.

As a result when people ask me what the best path is, who the best teacher is, do they need a teacher or not. My answer comes from a point of view of what do you want from meditation?

I have other news for you. Not all my minor realizations, insights, higher vibrational states or enlightenments happened when I was sitting. Sometimes they happened when I was fully engaged and present at work by my machine in a factory trying to support myself and my internal martial arts habit.

Sometimes they happened to me when I was doing chi gung sets or tai chi. Sometimes they happened while merely walking through the park and staring into the horizon.

Not for a moment would I sell myself as a guru or enlightened master. I am not a saint or a martyr for morality. I like to cuss and eat fish and sometimes I leave snarky comments on a blog or a video. I would not be entirely opposed to having a beer, a cigarette or something even stronger at a birthday party of a close adult friend or on New Year's Eve or something. I take occasional pain meds, opiates and even the occasional cannabinoid for old back injuries from time to time.

If I said I was Enlightened I could not have the freedom to let my temper flare or be imperfect. I would have to roleplay irl™ someone that is holier and better than thou. I simply won't pretend to a throne, a title or a role that I do not want.

That means you are going to have to accept that normal imperfect people who meditate largely on their own can have meaningful meditation experiences and make lasting changes in their own personality or consciousness. If you think meditation teachers should all be perfect and above the mundane, you will want to pass on any instructions I might have to give.  I work with the mundane, the banal, the profane and normality. In short I work with reality, here and now,  down to earth. I work with getting one's self back to balance while still engaging in a normal life complete with stresses and toxins.

If I wanted to be to be pristine and undisturbed and unshakably stable at all times I would not interact with the world! I would be in retreat always. The true test of enlightenment, of meditation stability is to come from great sickness and confusion and stay reasonably healthy, sane and relatively balanced in a normal ordinary life. It is easy to seem balanced and perfect all the time when you are safe from all stresses and distractions in the peace of your isolated retreat. It is much harder to keep that level of grace and lead a normal life of indulgence and participation.

If you are looking for a miracle promiser or someone who will state the obvious make pronouncements or utter trite cliches profound wisdom that delights and confounds you there are plenty of people who shoulder that mantle you can learn from.

In the meantime I hope these videos will tie you folks over for a bit.

Here too is a list of some of my other older meditation vids. Quality does vary from vid to vid but hopefully you are more interested in the message than technical merits.

Meditation and mental fog

Meditation and dissolving

Meditation: real versus false

and an older albeit shorter version of working with triggers.

Meditation and triggers

The longer one is better and far more detailed with actual instructions.

It's great to have my new digital camera instead of the limits of web cam/microphone set up. The quality of video, frame rates, voice and color should be less variable more standard as I usher in a new era of low budget youtube videos.

That is all for now.

Devo ter dormido no máximo quatro horas porque ontem fiquei viajando em bons pensamentos na cama. Nem sei como me arranquei da cama. Acho que o fato de os 35 homens estarem se mobilizando me estimulou. Saí do alojamento, olhei as estrelas no céu negro e pensei: "O que que ce tá fazendo aqui?"

Fiquei das 4:30 as 6:30 num estágio mental semi-acordado, continuando o processo de re-memorizar centenas de cenas boas da minha vida enquanto lutava contra o sono. De vez em quando eu conseguia um pouco de concentraçao na respiraçao. Infernal! A fome me deu muito mau-humor e estimulou várias suspeitas sobre a eficácia do método de ensino do curso. É necessário tanto sofrimento? Essas suspeitas se somaram à raiva dos cânticos matinais e cheguei a odiar o Goenka, o curso, o centro e até o Vitor Hugo, por ter me "levado".

A granola do lugar é ruim! Como pode haver granola ruim? Tinha gosto de pipoca! Quem foi o burro que meteu tanto milho na granola? Argh! Que raiva! Vou tomar um porre de Cacaolat. E esse cara esfomeado, bruto, tosco, comendo igual uma besta? É sempre o primeiro da fila! Voltei correndo pro alojamento e dormi o tempo que o horário de descanso me permitiu.

Soou o gongo das meditaçoes matinais. Fiquei com medo de continuar vagando entre memórias e sono em vez de meditar. Vi o Vitor sentadinho direitinho, impassível, e xinguei-o muito, mentalmente. "Essa bicha tá fazendo teatrinho só pra se mostrar pra mim, porque ele sabe que eu consigo vê-lo daqui!" Desta vez nao vieram apenas memórias boas. Surgiram duas coisas ruins que me aconteceram dias antes do curso e atrapalharam a pouca serenidade que eu tentava manter no meio de toda aquela loucura.

No almoço reparei num garoto, mais jovem que eu, mastigando lentamente a comida de olhos fechados. Achei ridículo. Fiquei emputecido com tanto teatrinho. Depois vi como ele vagava pelo jardim com os olhos semi-cerrados ou sentado na grama como se estivesse chapado de maconha. Apelidei-o de Seqüelado.

Depois da siesta meu humor melhorou mas a frustraçao de nao conseguir me concentrar na respiraçao por mais de cinco minutos era grande. E vinha com culpa, porque afinal eu estava lá só pra isso. Eu me auto-flagelo muito quando sou preguiçoso. E tinha um pouco de orgulho ferido, porque eu achava que estava todo mundo progredindo. O cara que sentava na minha frente ficava imóvel o tempo todo! Eu sei, porque nao fechava os olhos como era recomendado. Fechar os olhos é pedir pra dormir. E eu tenho uma imaginaçao visual muito fértil; imagens complexas se formam muito fácil na tela preta. Passei a tarde toda revezando entre concentraçao, memórias e culpa.

O tão esperado Cacaolat da tarde me ajudou, mas era ridículo eu ficar esperando o dia todo um simples copinho de leite com chocolate em pó! Pude ver, no microcosmo do curso, uma coisa que eu faço na vida real o tempo todo: Projeto prazeres compensatórios pro futuro. A felicidade e a satisfaçao virão depois do trabalho, que é sofrimento. Aí eu tenho aquele prazerzinho passageiro e penso: Ah! Eu mereço! Sofrí muito. Agora estamos quites...

Continuei o processo de re-memorizaçao da minha vida no jardim. Fiz isso o curso inteiro, mas nesses primeiros dias essa rebobinada na fita era muito intensa, criando também diálogos imaginários com todas as pessoas que eu amo, ou poderia amar se convivesse mais tempo. Quando eu digo todas as pessoas, digo todas mesmo. Tive tempo de sobra pra conversar com todo mundo que já participou da minha vida!

O discurso noturno insinuou que hoje foi melhor que ontem, o que eu discordei totalmente. Hoje foi horrível: Desconcentraçao, culpa, desconfiança do curso e do mestre, sono... Também se falou do Nobre Caminho Óctuplo (ou Senda Óctupla). Eu nao tinha reparado que, dos oito "mandamentos" do budismo, três sao éticos, três sao técnicos e apenas dois falam de coisas mais abstratas como sabedoria e insight.

Rompí o bloqueio do Vitor Hugo estar me observando e fui falar com o professor depois da última meditaçao. Mas já imaginei ele me perguntando: "Vai perguntar o que? Ce já nao sabe mais do que suficiente de budismo e meditaçao?"

Contei pro professor, em inglês, que estava meditando de olhos abertos pra nao dormir e pra nao gerar imagens complexas. Ele disse que é normal ter muito sono nos primeiros dias, porque chegamos muito stressados aqui. No meu caso isso se agrava, porque meu fuso-horário estava exatamente invertido pelo cassino. Depois contei dos meus bons pensamentos, que iam se encadeando e eu acabava preferindo ficar com eles a me concentrar na respiraçao. Ele ficou curioso sobre esses "bons pensamentos". Deve ter tido esperanças de se tratarem de Amor Universal e todas essas coisas high-level. Nada disso. No meu caso sao memórias do passado ou projeçoes de possíveis futuros, o que ele chamou, no seu sotaque britânico, de fantasies. Me mandou a real na lata, sem rodeios: "A questão do entusiasmo é totalmente por sua conta. Nós não podemos fazer nada quanto a isso." Caráca! Resumiu minha vida, cara. É claro que nao dá pra aprender nem conquistar nada se você nao se enfiar de cabeça. A questao é me dar conta de que eu QUERO fazer as coisas. Mas esqueço. Me foco em coisas que naquele momento são mais divertidas. Seria válido se depois eu nao ficasse me remoendo de culpa.

Paquerei a lua crescente e fui dormir mais leve.

Quando o gongo tocou às 4:00 eu simplesmente não acreditei. Mas teoricamente era o início de uma nova fase na minha vida e eu tava muito disposto a me entregar ao curso. Botei minha calça de karate, lavei o rosto com os outros zumbís lotando o banheiro e fui tranquilo pra primeira meditaçao oficial do curso, de 4:30 a 6:30. Ainda está escuro a essa hora e nem os passarinhos cantam.  O silêncio me inspirou. Eu nunca tinha meditado tanto tempo. Na verdade nem meditei. Só fiquei lutando contra o sono e curtindo as imagens que me vinham à cabeça. Curtindo mesmo, porque só me vinham imagens e memórias boas.

 Na última meia hora entra a voz do Goenka recitando um cântico em pali, o idioma antigo da India, usado pelo Buda Gautama. Achei o cântico muito triste, a voz do Goenka parecia a de um sapo agonizando. Me irritou nao saber do que se tratava o tema e principalmente o fato de HAVER um cântico. Não era pra ser um curso técnico, sem religião? Mas tudo bem, pensei que seria só dessa vez, um cântico de abertura de curso.

 O café da manhã foi um espetáculo de voracidade mal contida. Pelo visto não era só eu o morto de fome. Um dos 35 caras foi especialmente grotesco, fazendo um tijelão de granola com meio litro de iogurte e compota de pêra, quatro pães com manteiga, margarina, geléia e azeite c/ tomate. Apelidei-o de Lord Toskus. O Cacaolat me desceu muito bem e acabou com meu mau-humor. Usei o descanso que se segue à todas as refeições pra dormir mais.

Às 8:00 começaram as instruções da técnica na sala de meditaçao. A gravaçao do Goenka começava com mais cânticos e ensinava a solicitar ao professor, em pali, que ele ensinasse essa técnica maravilhosa que libertava de todo sofrimento. Detestei. Nao recitei droga nenhuma. Depois veio o clássico pedido de refúgio nas três jóias do budismo. Aí ficou muito claro que havia uma grande contradição entre o que se dizia sobre nao-religioso e o que realmente acontecia no curso. Pedir o refúgio nas três jóias é uma prática eminentemente budista. Você toma proteçao dentro das qualidades de Buda, dentro da sabedoria da doutrina e dentro da comunidade de praticantes. O Buda, o Dharma e a Sangha. Eu fazia muito isso, mentalmente, quando frequentava o centro zen da rua Buenos Aires. O curioso é que todo mundo topou e repetiu direitinho. Eu, que me considero filosoficamente budista, nao repetí. Me sentiria idiota repetindo frases de uma gravação em pali...

Às 9:00 começaram as instruções básicas. Uma técnica chamada Anapana, que consiste em estar atento à respiração. É uma prática comum na maioria das técnicas de meditação, mas eu gostei do jeito que o Goenka se referia a ela, como uma maneira de afiar o bisturi da mente para depois proceder com a cirurgia, que seria o vipassana.

O almoço vegetariano foi muito farto e muito gostoso. Senti o toque do Vitor na comida, mas ainda nao o havia visto. Bela siesta, também.

À 13:00 voltamos ao trabalho. Desta vez foi pura prática, até as 17:00 com dois descansos. Tive muitos insights sobre minha vida e tal. Entrei com muita vontade de mudar várias coisas na minha rotina e isso acabou me prejudicando nos primeiros dias, porque eu nao me concentrava no curso e só pensava nas mudanças que empreenderia. Por exemplo: Avistei o Vitor pela primeira vez desde que cheguei. Vi a postura dele meditando e pensei no estilo de vida que ele leva e na maneira que ele vê o mundo. Concluí que ele tinha uma relação erótica com a vida. Um jeito sacana, leve, fuido, prazeiroso, como se a vida fosse uma parceira sexual. Não sei se ele é assim mesmo, mas sei que eu gostaria de voltar a ser assim.

Às 17:00 eles servem a última refeição do dia, uma merenda. Eu já sabia que a granola do lugar era ruim, entao entrei nas frutas e no Cacaolat. Ah, como eu gosto de um belo Cacaolat... Desce cremoso, o açucar dá um rush, o leite frio refresca, o sabor do chocolate...

O descanso depois da merenda eu usei pra vagar interiorizado pelo jardim. Foi excelente. Essa sensaçao de estar fazendo a coisa certa, enfiado à força num ambiente de aprendizado, sem precisar falar com ninguém nem lavar nada nem limpar nem nada. Tudo o que eu tinha que fazer era ficar sentado a maior parte do tempo e o resto do tempo contemplar aquele jardim tão verde e florido!

Mais anapana das 18:00 às 20:15. Depois vem um descanso antes do discurso final, teórico, de uma hora, muito interessante. O Goenka nao fala mais de técnica. Fala das dificuldades do curso e da importância em seguir as regras. Ele tem plena noção do quanto todo mundo lá está sofrendo. Essa gravação deve ter sido feita depois de entrevistar centenas de alunos pelo mundo, porque ele é muito preciso quanto as dificuldades. E deu esperanças de que a cada dia seria mais fácil observar a respiraçao sem que a mente ficasse pulando alucinada igual um macaco bêbado com o rabo na tomada.

No final pode-se tirar dúvidas com o professor ou ir dormir. Eu fui ver o pôr-do-Sol, feliz da vida, e deitei mais cedo que ontem. Tive problemas pra pegar no sono de tao bem que me sentia, quase eufórico.

Vitor Hugo já estava lá há vários dias. Os servidores chegam antes pra preparar o centro e se organizarem. Fui sozinho, o que eu achei muito melhor. Meu metrô mais próximo vai direto pra Estaçao Barcelona Sants. Comprei o trem pra Santa Maria de Palautordera por $3,40 (ida e volta) e esperei 20 min. Em menos de meia hora de viagem a paisagem de Barcelona já começa a mudar. Umas casinhas catalanas, muitos pinheiros... era verão e havia flores por toda parte. O trem pifou e eu vi que estávamos cercados de mato dos dois lados. Silêncio total. Excelente! Já cheguei muito relaxado ao curso!

Uma mãe com a filha catalana me ofereceram carona da estaçao de trem ao posto de gasolina onde começa a cidade. De lá comecei a andar pro Centro mas passaram duas mulheres numa picape que também iam pra lá e me reconheceram por levar uma esteira de E.V.A. Elas falavam muito. Acho que eu preferia subir a pé sozinho...

Chegando no centro já começa a separaçao das mulheres dos homens. Todos deixaram suas carteiras e celulares com a equipe. Outra coisa que tinha que ser deixada era material de leitura, aparelhos de som e qualquer objeto religioso. O curso pretende ensinar a técnica separada de qualquer religião, entao terços, cristais, talismãs, santinhos e bonecas de vudú estão proibidos.

Assinei um termo de compromisso com o duro código de disciplina: Não matar; Não roubar; Absterse de todo tipo de atividade sexual; Não mentir e Não usar nenhum tipo de intoxicante. Além dessas regras está o Nobre Silêncio, que nos proibe de falar, nenhuma palavra pelos dez dias de curso. Isso parecia difícil no começo, mas foi moleza. No final do curso eu nem queria voltar a falar!

Me apresentaram ao coordenador, um garoto mais novo que eu. Futuramente eu o apelidaria Karma Police, na minha mente sedenta por distração. Ele me mostrou minha cama, beliche, no alojamento onde cabiam uns quarenta homens. O banheiro era único, mas tinha três chuveiros, três pias, três mictórios e três cabininhas de cocô. Não pude cumprimentar os colegas que já haviam chegado por causa do Nobre Silêncio.

Vaguei pelo jardim esperando o início do curso. Era muito bonito e eu bolei muito com uma árvore que eu nunca tinha visto, galhos finos com umas flores compridas, cheias de bolinhas rosas. O céu também estava genial e eu sentí o grosso da neurose urbana sendo filtrado. O silêncio obrigatório ajudou muito nesse primeiro dia também.

O curso foi apresentado pelos coordenadores. Apaixonei pela coordenadora das mulheres, mas só voltei a vê-la dez dias depois. O resto do tempo as instruçoes eram padrão internacional, dadas por um CD que em cada país é uma tradução exata do que o fundador, S.N. Goenka diz. Primeiro no inglês hilário com muito sotaque de Birmanês dele, e depois em espanhol. A voz em espanhol era exageradamente relaxada, o que me irritou um pouco.

Eu tava morrendo de fome, mas serviram uma merendinha medíocre de granola ruim com iogurte natural. Vagamos todos pelo jardim, em silêncio, esperando o gongo da primeira meditaçao do curso. Nem contava como curso ainda, porque nao tivemos nenhuma instruçao. Simplesmente sentamos por uma hora e só nesse momento conseguí ver o Vitor Hugo, meditando lá na frente. Em todos os cursos há dois professores que meditam de frente pros alunos. Eles só servem pra inspirar e tirar dúvidas, porque os ensinamentos vêm todos das gravações.

O gong diz pra ir dormir às 21:00. Eu só fui deitar lá pras 22:00, fala sério! Leve em conta que eu costumo ir dormir às sete da manhã, por causa do cassino.

Minha irmã mais nova, Marisol, veio comigo fazer um doutorado em antropologia na Rovira i Virgili. A universidade é em Tarragona, mas ela só precisa ir de vez em quando. Por isso fomos morar o primeiro ano em Tarragona.

Nesse doutorado ela conheceu outro brasileiro, o Vitor Hugo, de Porto Alegre, e ficaram amigos. Eu também gostei muito dele porque conversávamos sobre meditaçao, budismo e religiao em geral. A tese dele trata dos hare-krishna e ficamos seis meses sem vernos porque ele foi pra India ver o movimento de perto. Quando voltou nós já morávamos em Barcelona e ele acabou fazendo a mesma coisa, morando com um casal de amigos. Ano passado ele até alugou nosso famoso quartinho por seis meses.

O Vitor já tinha feito quatro desses cursos de dez dias, sendo dois na India. Sempre me recomendou o Vipassana mas eu nao tenho férias no cassino. Tinha receio do programa do curso também: Acordar às 4:00, meditar até doze horas por dia, proibido falar e fazer exercícios físicos... Mas depois de perceber a vala em que me metí na vida, me matriculei no primeiro curso no verão, porque estaria de férias, pelo menos na Escola Massana, meu curso de ilustraçao. O cassino eu teria que faltar dois fins de semana. Um prejuízo de 350 euros aproximadamente. Me matriculei pela internet: http://www.neru.dhamma.org/

As vagas sao disputadíssimas, mas eu peguei a minha dois meses antes. O Vitor se empolgou e resolver fazer seu quinto curso comigo, mas desta vez como servidor. Os servidores trabalham na cozinha, jardim, limpam os alojamentos e banheiros, mas nao precisam fazer todas as sessões de meditação, só as três principais. Até pra ele foi difícil se matricular, porque parece que sobravam servidores...

A Fundaçao Vipassana se sustenta graças aos servidores e às doaçoes de quem faz o curso e gosta. Doações de quem nunca fez o curso não são aceitas. As doações só podem ser feitas no último dia do curso, nunca antes.

I have a standing offer to volunteer for mri or pet imaging of my brain.

Why would you want to image my brain?

As a patient with untreated manic depression and schizophrenia my brain should be a wasteland. Studies apparently show that

Bipolar brains shrink

schizophrenic brains shrink

Bipolar brains have an unique chemical signature

Bipolars apparently have a genetic biomarker

schizophrenics apparently have a genetic biomarker

Family genetics

In 1991 my mother admitted to me during my second inpatient stay for suicide that she had suffered depression and suicidal ideation all her life.

In 1999, ten years after my dual diagnosis of manic depression and schizo affective my sister went inpatient on the opposite side of the country for a suicide attempt. She was diagnosed with Bipolar.

As we move through the year 2008 I look back on the fact that I have been depression, mania, self injury , voices and delusion free for over ten years.

How is this possible you might ask?

If you are familiar with my blog content and videos on youtube then you know how.

I secluded myself from other people with mental health issues and practiced meditation full time for years.

After the first year of that lifestyle I achieved a milestone marker of the first year without cyclical suicidal depression. Now over ten years have passed and I remain symptom free.

Some folks would not think breathing exercises and navel gazing could have that effect but that is because they are not up to date on the latest in meditation and brain imaging research.

1. Meditation is a way of tapping into a process of manipulating brain activity

2. Meditating does more than just feel good and calm you down, it makes you perform better -- and alters the structure of your brain, researchers have found.

3. Brain research is beginning to produce concrete evidence for something that Buddhist practitioners of meditation have maintained for centuries: Mental discipline and meditative practice can change the workings of the brain and allow people to achieve different levels of awareness.

4. "Our data suggest that meditation practice can promote cortical plasticity in adults in areas important for cognitive and emotional processing and well-being," says Sara Lazar, leader of the study and a psychologist at Harvard Medical School

5. New imaging technology makes it possible for scientists to document the brain activity of Buddhist monks. Dalai Lama visits MIT

6. In recent years, a group of neuroscientists are exploring the hypothesis that meditation can actually change the way the brain works.

7. scientists at the University of Wisconsin at Madison used new scanning techniques to examine brain activity in a group of Buddhists.Their tests revealed activity in the left prefrontal lobes of experienced Buddhist practitioners.This area is linked to positive emotions, self-control and temperament.Their tests showed this area of the Buddhists' brains are constantly lit up and not just when they are meditating.

8. Medical effects of meditation.

So I make the following predictions. I must have these bipolar/schizoid biomarkers. I must have this unique bipolar brain signature. At 33 years old having had my first suicidal ideation nearly 25 years ago there must be some observable level of brain volume decrease.

Unless I have reversed that brain volume decrease. According to the meditation studies meditation builds the brain up increasing brain volume and density.

So we can make a few generalized conclusions.

Either meditation cured me of mental illness and there is no evidence in my brain whatsoever of the alleged brain destroying powers of bipolar and schizophrenia.

Or I still have these disorders and they are completely held in stasis by meditation.

Now either of those conclusions are medically and scientifically significant.

Meditation won't put a dime in Big Pharma's bank account but it is definitely important information to the ongoing study of psychology and perhaps psychiatry as well.

I make this offer. I am willing to submit to brain imaging while meditating and not meditating.

After 20 years of meditation experience I can make my brain light up the same way Tibetan and Buddhist Monks do I guarantee it.

I would also like to make a few other predictions or speculations about these brain images and biomarkers.

The first is this.

Biomarkers occur as a result of prolonged mental illness symptoms.

It is a correlation not a cause.

Biomarkers would eventually disappear if the symptoms went into remission long enough.

This is similar to the *chemical imbalance* theory.

Genetic chemical imbalances do not cause mental illness. The chemical imbalance is an effect of prolonged suffering of symptoms. Such chemical imbalances would restore themselves if the symptoms went into remission long enough.

Brain cell death and brain volume decreases associated with Bipolars and Schizoids are a result of the treatments for the illness, not the illness itself.

For Bipolars and Schizo that self medicate, the years of alcohol and drug abuse cause brain volume decreases.

For Bipolars and Schizoids that use polypharmacy the probable cause of this brain volume decrease is their meds more specifically neuroleptics.

That is not to say mental illness has no appreciable effect on brain volume.

There is the saying, if you don't use it you lose it. Certainly if you fail to control or try to control your mental health symptoms then the natural brain functions that would instill stability become stunted and atrophy.

However in learning to manage mental illness symptoms without drugs I am guessing those areas of my brain are in reality much more developed than you might expect. Perhaps more developed than in those who never suffered from mental illness because it is an area of the brain I had to work at constantly to achieve stability and wellness.

My conclusions.

Biomarkers and chemical imbalances are the snapshot of ongoing mental illness. They are an effect of the illness, not a cause or a predictor. These imbalances and markers would disappear with remission of symptoms.

Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia do have a cure. Meditation is that cure. I think the MRI and PET scans will prove this unambiguously.

If you weigh the risk-reward ratio for taking five years out of your life in order to meditate until your emotional and cognitive controls are established. You compare that to a life spent with unmitigated mental health issues or a life spent on polypharmacy dependency than you will quickly realize that interrupting your career and lifestyle in order to cure your mental health problems permanently is more advantageous than a life spent keeping symptoms at bay with drugs while developing diabetes, obesity, tardives dyskinesia, nervous system ataxia, thyroid imbalances, kidney failure and psych med addiction.

Who is willing to take five years out of their life to meditate until they have inner peace?

Only the most eccentric, the most desperate and the most intelligent of people.

You have to have a certain level of foresight to see the benefits. Most people are too hung up trying to consume and move up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to slow down and do what it takes to make lasting changes in themselves.

They would rather pop a pill and keep on surfing the web than sit down by a river or in the silence of their bedroom and sit quietly until they have mastered their mental landscape. It is too much work to heal yourself. That and all the bullshit pharmaganda would have people believe that it is not possible and they don't have anything to take responsibility for. (except getting that scrip filled right away!)

Big Pharma takes advantage of that and profits. People tell themselves it is worth it as long as the pills keep their credit lines active and roof over their head.

Another predication I make is that the mental illness reversing powers of meditation work better the younger you are when you start. The more severe the symptoms, the sooner you need to check out of life and meditate.

People in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond will have decades of inertia to overcome if they have been suffering all that time. There is a sad irony to that. Young people generally don't take that kind of time off. They are too busy being beautiful and trying to be successful. It was mostly older folks I met in meditation circles.

People in their teens, 20s and 30s that take this work seriously can make huge leaps in mental health sanitation if they take stick with it.

The longer you go without meditation the harder it will be do reverse your mental illness with it.

Not to say it is impossible, just much more difficult. I started serious meditation at the age of 21 a year after my last suicide attempt. That may have made a major difference in my recovery.

In the meantime, I would like to see future imaging studies of the brain to include whether or not the subjects being imaged have been on meds, what meds those are and how long they have been on them

I want to see controls in these studies such as scans of brains of people with bipolar and schizophrenia that are not on meds at all and compare them to scans of people on meds. I want clarifications and more details about these brain shrinkage studies.

So to further the cause of science and psychology I offer myself for brain imaging studies as a meditator who has cured themselves of manic depression and schizophrenia. I am also willing to take the bipolar and schizophrenic biomarker tests at anytime.

Remember, if I have the biomarkers, than my symptom remission is scientifically valuable information

If I do not have these biomarkers while my sister continues to receive treatment for bipolar and my mother continues to go without it than this too is scientifically significant.

Gene expression is an interesting thing. Stress, hormones, sickness and health all turn genes off or on. My guess is that gene expression for mental illness is not set in stone but is merely a snapshot of the current situation, not a reason or a predictor but an effect.

My contact information is on my Home page

" Million reasons to smile "

There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint
the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all
the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to
choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for
peacefully towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky
with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a
perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare.
Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning
played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This
did not look peaceful at all. But when the king looked closely, he saw
behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the
bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush
of angry water, sat the mother bird on the nest--in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize ? The king chose the second
picture . Do you know why ?

" Because ," explained the king , " peace does not mean to be in a
place where there is no noise , trouble , or hard work. Peace means to
be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.
That is the real meaning of peace ."

" When Life gives you a thousand reasons to cry, Show that you have a
million reasons to smile ."

Thanks to S. Ganesh