I am definitely falling into a funk and I am pretty sure it's because I am seeing two available men. They are not the ones. But i like them. My inability to confront and hurt (directly) them has reduced me to a ballerina stuck in a music box, spinning, the bells and chimes of the melody neverending.

I suppose it was a curse in a way as some of these men were only friends I adored. Consequently, hurting people and running away became a common theme. I punished myself. I wished for this to end, and my wish was granted. This past year has been without these men who appreciate me, my intelligence, my goofiness, my ambition ..instead its been marked by an emotional relationship with my hairdresser  and much suppressed pain over never-ending games with two unavailable men. Both "good guys", generous, charismatic, loyal, handsome, ambitious ....the dialog or games continue...

You see as much as I am an independent woman, I am one who enters a room as an observant .. I am social but can be shy until the situation is assessed. My dealings with men are the same. (Men take note) I see it as a dance ... I will remain in sync with you. I am not going to pursue you without reason to do so. I am not going to call you multiple times without you doing the same. I am not going to tell you how much I think of you, how much I crave ripping your clothes of, how much I would prefer to do nothing with you over anything else- if I fail to be any sort of priority to you. When you call, I still melt and I suppose this is why these relations continue .... No reason to end them. No psycho girl, no girl you can hurt-- I am too indifferent, well seemingly.

However, as Mr. Titanium, one of the aforementioned 'unavailable guys' said, "You are so pretty and smart and unattainable." ...... "The problem with you is you're too sane" referencing how I am not self-deprecating and don't take men's' bullshit, my seeming indifference (If only you knew the countless moments and thoughts dedicated to Mr Titanium. As much as I seem above it, I fail to be emotionally so) ... Regardless, thanks Mr. Titanium...yes I didn't take your bullshit, and now you have raised the question as to whether I should have put myself out there ..

However, I know that when a man falls for you, when he stands to be the one who will be "all about you", the one who is not going to be an emotionally distant boyfriend, there is something which I will call "when he goes SUPER," much like the men who feel in lust with me. This term was coined last week as I explained a story to the owner of the restaurant next door to my apartment on the island, we will call him "MiCarino." I was trying to explain how you know when a guy falls for you and when he likes you. I was trying to differentiate between a guy who is interested in you and a guy that is enamored with you- as I explained, MiCarino excitedly questioned, "When he goes SUPER?!" It must be explained I am on a Spanish-speaking island . . regardless, so SUPER it is!

So I explained to MiCarino how I may be returning to New York as the guy who I was spending time with in New York, "Matt Damon," wanted me to come back for a certain event. I planned to go, but an uh-oh moment occurred upon the realization that if I went, he would fall for me. It would demonstrate that I was onboard... and I am not. I like him, but I will hurt him. How do I know? Because he went SUPER. My avoidance tactics are in preparation-- I am ready to say goodbye to the moments I enjoyed and the many more I know I would.

I suppose after a year of unavailable men, i have started to attract the other extreme, again. Appropriately so, I have another problem, MiCarino has gone SUPER. I have seen him almost everyday . .

And I feel like a fucked up girl. There is nothing I want more than to share life and moments and the intimacy that only comes with a relationship. ....but here I am, looking for the brakes or to tie my laces and take off running ....kicking myself for kissing MiCarino the other night, kicking myself for telling Matt I missed him. Both actions are true and honest, both men make me smile.

Yet, they don't feed my neuroses. I am not addicted to them. I enjoy both of them and I wonder to myself if that is enough. A part of me continues the path, as it feels right, but then I think about the future, I think about how I don't foresee one. I realize I may hurt them if I enjoy these moments and get to know them any more.

And I am stressed out . . . If only I was better at confrontation.

KIDROBOT- for his creative genius. His departure from the suited world and into one of the extreme. For his refusal to dress his age and for his seeming refusal to act it- however, underneath, he is a man and is warm, kind, emotional and intelligent- and i do love his existent child. We are just too different, so we will be friends forever with the exception of our current fight. I think due to his underlying feelings (1-2008, "I have never stopped loving you") and the refusal to admit that our futures don't coincide- he has chosen to resent me instead.

MICARINO- Because he is warm and charming. Likable and sweet. I have only known him two weeks but he has an unmatched ability to make me feel cared for. Not attracted to him though and I see him as a best friend.

MATT DAMON- Because he bears an uncanny resemblance to Matt Damon. He is wonderful. Not my typical type, but a good guy. And not an unavailable good guy. Younger and I don't know if he is enough of a man for me. I think I have his dream job. Awkward.

Not in a good way.

>>>edit<<<

i take it back. i have been called such. but that was a different story. it was an ex boyfriend who i would love to never see again. no regrets about being emotionally unavailable to him.

1.Go into the Control Panel

2. Under Course Options, click on Manage Course Menu.

3. Under the items that are not available, click on the Modify button across from them.

4. Under Step 1, check the check box next to Available for Student/Participant users.

5. Click Submit.

-Angel Brady

"The Verizon customer you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please try again later."

Context is a funny thing.

I was hoping the number had been reassigned and that I'd connect to some stranger. I thought of a voicemail Scott once left for me about how he'd been trying to call his friend Justin, and he dialed one number wrong. Scott was so excited because he connected with "a chick named Wendy" and had a great conversation with her. Scott's epiphany was that we are all just one number away from connecting to people outside our circle. Pretty cool.

I'll try again next year.

Mobile post sent by paulswansen using Utterz. Replies. ]]> http://lkblandford.wordpress.com/?p=131 Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:30:45 +0000 Laurie K. Blandford http://lkblandford.wordpress.com/?p=131 Today I contacted the top bidder for the county auction story I've been assigned by my editor at The Fort Pierce Tribune. I identified myself to his secretary, and I noticed a change in the tone of her voice. She returned after a couple minutes of putting me on hold.

"He's not available," she said.

And nothing else. I then offered her my contact information, but I have the oddest feeling she wasn't writing as I slowly gave my cell phone number. I explained to her that I wouldn't take up much of his time - basically saying this story is nothing hard-hitting - but she hung up without any 'you're welcome' or 'goodbye.'

I plan to call back tomorrow and be oblivious and sickeningly sweet.

I do have to say I love how my editor always keeps me up to date. My inbox is full of e-mails from her, and she sent several today with updates on whether the tryout story or the hurricane house story would print tomorrow. The final word was yes only to the latter.

I'll link my published article in my next post, but you can always check the homepage of TCPalm.com.

No Tomatoes.

Originally uploaded by paulswansen

Colorado's first case of tomato linked salmonella.

Representatives of the company could not be reached immediately.

Para além da notícia nas malling lists a coisa já chegou aos "jornais", 31 mil doláres por dia não é brincadeira.

link http://news.cnet.com/8301-10784_3-9962010-7.html

And not only have I been working on a regular I have also been working on a website with my daughter. And I did not know that it took this much time. I cant wait until it opens up. We had it open for a min but I did not like it and decided to close it down and work on it a little more before the relaunching of the site. Well seeing how I dont have much time I am about to stop blogging right now and get back to work.

♂ For the hunter-conqueror, the greater his target’s perceived virtue, the greater her value and his inspiration to keep trying. 

♂ Hard-to-get means other guys failed before him. So, it enlarges the self-stroking of a man’s ego.

♂ He offers his strengths for her to appreciate. If she shows no weaknesses, his strengths fade in importance, and so does she.

♂ His respect for his woman softens a man’s heart, and her gratitude for him softens his hard-headedness. ♂ His trustworthiness as mate is wrapped within her gratefulness for him as husband and father, provider and protector, and those other things he deems critical to his current and significant mission in life.♂ His woman’s grooming and appearance in public add to or detract from him. Other men look at her, but they also take the measure of him—or so he either thinks or desires.

♂ Husband wants wife to look queenly yet unavailable, beautiful but unattainable. Something special enough to gain masculine admiration of him yet make men realize they can never have her. That’s a major, major input to his sense of significance.

♂ If a man has flaws before they marry, each shortcoming will magnify afterward.

♂ Husband wants wife to remain the woman she was before their marriage. But she insists on changing herself, because her life is now different. Or, she was a phony before marry up, and her true side emerges. Either way, it’s not good for longevity together.

[More jack about Jack can be found at posts 135, 132, 114, 97, 91, and 7. Search on the number or scroll down.]

My mother and stepdad jackass live 5 minutes away from my house and my sister (20 yrs old) lives 30 minutes away. GOOD - I thought, in case I ever need them, they're close by. After all, I'm a stay at home mom and 9,112,837,210,937 things can go wrong in a day and I'm sure I WILL need their help at some point. Phew - what a relief! WRONG.

I'm due in 5 months +/- a little and will DEFINITELY need my mom's help at least, when the baby comes.  (Note to self: share story of Mom's "help" after 1st born) It's highly likely I will need help in the months following the 2nd baby's arrival with entertaining Josh, keeping my sanity and maybe a meal or two. I should add that I hardly ever ask for help from my family or for that matter a-n-y-o-n-e. But after this week, I know I can count more on my friends (The "Clique") instead of my family.

My husband is out of town this week (left Sunday A.M.) and returns Friday evening. Those of you who have traveling husbands - I COMMEND YOU! I don't know how you do it. This far I've made it through the week by relying on my friends for support and help to get through the day. (play times, lunches, dinners, etc.)

Last week, knowing my limitations, I asked my mom and sister for help. They both work so I asked them to come spend a night with me and help me with Josh ONE evening this week. My sister's response - straight from my facebook comment section: "Maybe! I will try but I have a lot of stuff going on. Meetings, sponsor stuff, a trip to Austin and of course work stuff. I'll let you know." My mom couldn't be bothered with me until after Tuesday due to work related stuff. FINE. I'll fucking do it all by myself. My family has never helped me - why would I have even imagined that this time would be any different?!?!?!?

Today was beyond impossible. Josh was terrorizing me and even bit me. Whatever. After more tantrums that I can count on 2 hands and no help in sight, I'm feeling abandoned. Sure I suppose its a bit dramatic to say "abandoned", because my husband will be back home in 2 days, but damn - I'm on day 4 of a 6 day hostage situation. And the demands are running high and my patience is running low.

Time to go cuss to myself in a hot shower and then cry myself to sleep.

yes or no. go. stay. don't call me. why haven't i heard from you? i think he's depressed. his friend killed himself at this time of  year a few years ago. he's upset. it's winter. he's not noticed that it's been weeks since the lastime we spoke. months since we saw each other. & he calls me a "friend."

i'm glad i never fucked him. he's unstable. unavailable, they'd say in 12 steps. he doesn't care about anything but getting sex on demand--on his schedule. he doesn't care to send anything better than mixed messages.

 it doesn't matter. you want a bengali husband? the Universe said & laughed. Her laugh was playful, sinister, knowing. let me show you your bengali husband.

he's 28. saturn return. his saturn must be in one of those unbalanced signs. scorpio, leo, gemini. aries. violent, ambivalent. addicted.

he resents his parents. his features take after his mother.

why did he even seek me out? he asked me out, kissed me, got in bed with me & said he wasn't looking for anything. liar. he cooks dinner for me once & shows me his short temper. repressed rage misdirected at the one who requested him. who prayed for a lover whose skin matched her own shade.

be careful what you beg for. you'll get it.

rare, sparse conversations full of tension & doubt. you never opened up, let me enter, all because flesh was off limits. not a shred of willpower remains. we can never talk again because if we do, my words will be, "bring some condoms over."

the ribbed kind.

he wouldn't tell me when the last time for him was. i'd been celibate for 8 months when we met. he hid everything from me, knowing i'd be disappointed & move on.

let go. leave it behind. it was a good try. but it's gone as far as it could. i got fucked & left again but this time, no sex to speak of.

i know where my feet are. right here. across the water of the bay, you'll stay oversexed & underpresent. there are many others. other women who won't ask where your dick's been.

breath is even until i forget to keep it going. force myself to relax, to let go.

yeah. i thought i was ready, too.

the first male skin i touched in years. the first lips i kissed after an eternity of silence. when i say goodbye you will play ambiguity, ignorance. those masks that don't fit me anymore.

the silence has lived too long. no phone calls in months. & the lastime i saw you, i hated what i saw. what i heard. a voice angrily raised above mine; over nothing. a shallow conversation about whether the masa you made tamales with were truly vegan.

you scared me. that's when i really knew. because i said nothing to put you in your place. because you would have called that "processing."

mixed messages. silence. a weak excuse. how many months of this?

breathe. exhale him out of my system. see, it's easy. it gets easier.

The strategy forced a man to devote time and effort just getting to know her. He had to work to figure out what made her tick. It posed a necessary challenge. Conquest took the back seat in his mind, because vague and unavailable promoted it that way. 

It enabled her to dominate the pre-dating and dating phases. Her lack of eagerness made him eager, when she played it right. In the process he uncovered her attributes of value to him.

☻Vague meant to use disinterest to control the situation, when anyone showed interest in her.

☻Unavailable meant to keep one’s plans and schedule to oneself. Show none and even hide eagerness. Don’t explain, don’t complain, don’t reveal intentions, don’t alibi, don’t offer excuses or reasons for doing or not doing something. She would just state flatly when and what she would or wouldn’t do. Never why, never eager, never without his putting forth considerable effort.

The strategy works, because people do not appreciate what they are given for little or no reason. But what they earn, they appreciate.  

The vague and unavailable strategy either challenged a person to spend time with her to explore what she was really like. Or, that person was not all that interested in her, and they soon faded away.

The hard truth: Men now exploit this superior tactic, and women fall prey to the ingenuity of their sex.

Tune in next Wednesday for more TRUTH OR MYTH or look in my Truth or Myth category for older editions of this weekly post.

Until next time...

Waddle on!

Bodge101