Sincerely,

Me

Seriously...I found this blog yesterday and IMMEDIATELY FELL IN LOVE.  I've already learned a plethora of home-organization techniques and while I get that not everyone needs that kind of structure I do.  Oh yes, I do.

I have goosebumps....

So I was in UP Manila yesterday, looking for journal articles that would help write my and my partner's thesis. It was noon, and so I was in the PGH chapel (which took me a long time to find, that being my first time in the area).

After the mass, this guy came to me and asked if I study there.

I said no, and added that I'm from Diliman.

"You go to Kapuluan?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

He said he goes to Maynilad, then he asked if I planned to go there that day.

"No," I said, "I'm just here researching for my thesis."

He sat behind me and asked for my number. I told him that we should better talk outside, because we were still in the chapel. We went out, and we talked a little while longer. He apologized because it was thanksgiving and he kinda thought he interrupted me. I said everything's okay, and then I gave my number.

"Zero-nine-zero-six-two-three-one-yada-yada-yada-yada," I said.

Then he said: "So just text me if you want to go to Maynilad, to do your norms, or anything else."

"Okay, I will," I said.

Then we went back inside the chapel to continue thanksgiving.

***

Moments later, he said goodbye, and I followed shortly.

I was walking after him, in my ninja/spy mode so that he won't notice me.* The corridors were so narrow I don't have a choice but to walk behind him.

I couldn't stop smiling. Then when the road widened, I half-jogged and overtook him, then laughed hard.

Because he told me I should text him when I'm in the area...

...but he didn't give his number, and asked for mine instead.

His medical mind might have been swamped.

***

Footnotes:

*A habit I have, so don't be offended. From time to time, I do walk behind a friend ever-so-quietly that they won't notice.

A game won only when the other party never feels your presence. Makes me laugh.

*2: Upon entering UP Manila, I actually thought I was the only center guy in the campus that time. Never thought there was a center for UP Manila guys...

Imagine my surprise upon knowing that there had to be at least four other center guys in that Mass, and also one gal.

As a way to kickstart the attitude adjustment, I did a back-to-back double yesterday.  And I suck.  Well, that's how I felt, anyway.  I realize this is a process that requires patience, but I was so frustrated and depressed by the time I left that I just wanted to cry. 

It seemed at the time that all my practice did was bring home just how weak I am, how I simply *can't* do the yoga.  Stop telling me to hold my heels from behind - I *can't* hold my heels!  Stop telling me to flatten my back in forward stretching - I *can't* flatten my back!  Stop telling me to bring my arms behind my ears - I *can't* bring my arms behind my ears!  Stop telling me to lock the knee - I *am* locking the knee!!  That's as locked as it gets!

How on earth am I going to do two yoga classes back-to-back for a week in Acapulco if I can't even manage that one day out of ten?

So, that's called negative self-talk.  Right?

I felt better this morning.  I realized that most of the physical pain I felt after the second class last night ... was gone.  In fact, I felt less stiff & sore waking up this morning than I have in a week.  Yes, still sore, still stiff ... but less so.  This was a pleasant surprise.  Very pleasant. 

I had a really good cry a couple of nights ago - about weakness and incompetence.  Sometimes, I have this sense that I'm not capable of taking care of myself, that being alone is bad for me because I can't really look out for myself very well.  That I'm weak and incompetent.  That came up very strongly, I cried a bit, then slept. 

Then yesterday I decided to buck up, toughen up, work harder at my yoga practice, prove to myself that I'm strong and capable, drown out that voice telling me I'm weak.  Then I felt weak all through practice and after.  So I got to look at that again, feel badly, cry some more.  Maybe it's just something that needs to be *seen* periodically.  Look at it, feel it, keep feeling it until the feeling itself fades into weakness and disappears.

By the way, the double puts me at 36 classes today (I'll go in a couple of hours).

Oy.  I've been thinking about this post all day, but never got around to publishing it -- it's one of those days, you know?  Better late than never with the post, I suppose...

Another cemetery photograph today.  Somehow this stone practically reached out and wrapped itself around my heart and would NOT let go.  I must have taken 20 pictures of it before I finally managed to tear myself away.  Head stones for children and babies are always heart-wrenching to me (to everyone, I'm guessing), but this one especially touched me and I thought about it for days after.  I think it's my favorite shot from that day.  Something about the combination of such a young, innocent death and the language on the stone: "A little lamb safe in the fold."  Perhaps because it somehow evokes the pain of loss and the peace of heaven...  Anyway, I love it.  I hope you like it, too.  :)

Ok, how about some lovely flickr favorites for friday?  Behold:

rain day - Yesterday was like this -- just wet and rainy all. damn. day.  I'm pretty happy to see the sun today.

indecision

stockpiling - Cutie-cute pin cushions!

words - Good reminder.

hearts

a beautiful thing is never perfect.

americano

Huh.  For some reason, I'm suddenly craving coffee.  I think right now would be a great time for an afternoon pick-me-up, so I'm off!

Assuming we're somewhat motivated to get some work done this weekend, I plan to have another progress report on the renovation next week.  Wish us luck.  Have a great weekend -- see you next week, friends!

i loosened up early with some aleve and a beer at the beginning.  not easy to just grab a beer at 7am.  i didn't see anybody else with one so I grabbed a little mini 1beer cooler from my bad (that looks like a golf bag) and put the cold beer in it and placed it on my bag.  pretty slick i thought.  i had a few as we traversed the course and i was happy with a few shots.  a lot of guys from work were there since it was benefitting a memorial garden at the office.  it's nice to get out and spend some recreation time with guys that usually you just talk about work with.

i hadn't golfed since last summer and the rust was definitely showing.  none the less, i had a great time.

i'm working the church bazaar at my parish this weekend.  i need to grab a quick shower before heading out so you all take care and enjoy the weekend.

De meeste foto's zijn genomen met diafragma 4,8 en de laatste op 6,7. Maar mijn indruk met de 50mm is als ik iets te dicht op mijn onderwerp zit (was hier wel het geval, het hoofd was beeldvullend), en ik scherpstel en daarna herkadreer het dus al eens durft fout lopen. Is hier dus duidelijk gebeurd. Maar goe, uit fouten kan je leren ;)

Hier eentje vanop iets meer afstand gefotografeerd en gecropt, maar voor de rest niks aan gewijzigd... ook met de 50mm op 5.6 bij 1/250.

Toch iets scherper hoop ik ? Je kan doorklikken voor de grotere versie ;)

Door dit soort fouten en het gebruiken van je lenzen op verschillende diafragma's, verschillende afstanden en analyse achteraf of door constructieve commentaar maken dat je steeds bijleert. Dus dank jullie voor jullie commentaar !

En nog een nieuwtje, vandaag heb ik me nog een lensje aangeschaft waar ik al een aantal keer over had gesproken. De Tamron 17-50 2.8. Ik kijk er al naar uit om er ook mee te testen...

right now, life is a series of mistakes. (and even regrets, and i have always wanted to live without those). but really... right now life is a series of mistakes. haunting memories. missed opportunities. lost chances that will never come around again. so much wasted time. so many relationships lost. and the horrible feeling that it is too late. so i just keep making mistakes and trying to hide from all this stuff. it's no surprise that i often can't keep my eyes open lately, just keep falling asleep, because my body is obviously not well and is also trying to shut down in just about every way.

i doubt myself every single day. and not in the way i used to before. before it was all like, well, i suck and that's final. now it's like, ok, i'm not supposed to suck and i should work on that and be happy, move toward better things -- but what the hell are those things? and how do i do this? at my lowest points i haven't given a shit about life and was fine with just not waking up one day. now i wake up, and i am good with that, but i am lost every minute. there have been choices, bad ones, really bad ones, and i sit here with the consequences overwhelming me.

when i finally got to the point that i deserve to be around, that maybe i'm not just this huge worthless mass after all, i found out that i have no idea how to be anything else.

Nu poti sa iti doresti sa ti se nege dreptatea ce o vezi si nu vrei s-o accepti,...e ca atunci cand insuti tu ai tacut cand cel ce te-antrebat de tine...spera sa spui ca nu...

Nu poti sa iti pleci capul si sa nu vezi cand doare doar pentru ca pe tine nu te-a durut privirea...

Nu poti sa spui ca rasul ce il auzi din soapte e cel ce te alina cand nu mai poti sa plangi...

Dar POT sa nu mai cred in TOT ce ma-nconjoara, sa VREAU sa am PUTEREA sa lupt ca sa traiesc...asa cum imi e dorul, asa cum colorez...asa cum cant dorinta de drumurile straine...ce ma despart de mine si tot ce am crezut...ce-mi pierd dezamagirea...si-o lasa'n departari...ce ma aduc acasa...cu dor de alta zari...

As I am sitting on chat with my cousin and fellow rock star blogger,Hules, I am torturing her with my sempiternal insanity.  Telling her that I am a chimera in disguise who needs to abrogate the liquid from my bladder (which I still need to do, by the way).  I tend to be full of excrescence thoughts and ideas and they have a bad habit of keeping me awake at night and cause me to do things like blog a ridiculous post like this one.  I like to gambol around the room, but on most days, that ends quickly as I tend to be quite galumph by nature.

As I look through all of these words, I wonder.  Who really uses these words on a daily basis?  Naturally, Hules pipes up and says she does, so I tell her she's being mendacious.  Seriously people, who actually talks like this?  I have to admit, this is just a bunch of flummery on my part.  I do things like this with regular, everyday words.  I find at times that if I look at a word for too long, it starts to look funny to me and doesn't seem to look right.  Does this ever happen to you?  Simple words like restaurant, or vacuum tend to look weird when you stare at them for too long.  Maybe it's just me.

On that note, I am off to go play with my doppelganger!
Tootles! 

Oh, and this is for those of you wondering what solecism means.

intanto alcuni scatti prove per il calendario dei blogger! queste sono un po + serie!! ;)

le foto le ha fatte Ale ;)

It seems to be more severe this year than normal.I usually get a ton of online bargains every week,with my alotted amount of money,until it is time to actually trek out and shop in the stores.

Its Friday and I have already spent my $$$,which normally would be fine,except....

I found more things I wanted to buy.... :( :( :(

But dont worry,I have (a little) self control.

Or maybe its not self control,maybe it is the fact that the next 5 months of my life will be spent shopping till I drop.For myself,for my children,for other people and their children.

Not that I am complaining. ;)

Oh yeah,and I want to send a shoutout to HSMOMMA5 for showing me how to make my very own cool post signature!!

I've had a "weird fruit allergy" for about 2 years now.  It all started when I discovered a weird hive/closed throat feeling after eating apples.  I would also have a burning sensation in my esophagus for hours afterwards.  Not cool.  Since that discovery, I've also noticed I'm allergic to plums, apricots, peaches, nectarines, and sometimes cherries.  But it's only raw ones.  It's really annoying because I love these fruits!  :(

What's even weirder is that I've always been waiting to get allergy testing done at a naturopath and I always thought I was unique so I never googled this.  Today I did and discovered that I have what's called Oral Allergy Syndrome.  It explains everything!

I'm still going to a naturopath to get this confirmed, and to get some ideas about how to deal with it - but seriously, it feels good knowing I'm not alone!

In one week...

...we went from I love you to i don't want you

...I lost 10 lbs

...I realized I don't want to play softball

...taught myself to crochet and an afghan with my own pattern

...I move into my new apartment. 

...I went from bad, to worse, to better than ever

Episode #1: Pirated Parody

Well it was my first attempt at writing a parody and when I was done with "Muthu can't code saala", I was one satisfied guy. Right on the same day, I posted it here and 2-3 days later I posted it on my internal corporate blog. I was glad to see that my regular readers and a few strangers were impressed with the outcome. The response on my internal blog was, as usual awesome. I was happy with what was happening with my first parody. The following week, I got a forward with subject line as "Pappu can't code saala"...It was sent to me by a fellow blogger with the matter, "Dude, you are becoming famous...."...the only change in the forward compared to my parody was the renaming of "Muthu" back to "Pappu"...And on reading it, I got to know that it was copied from here (there were minute differences in the versions here and in the internal one)...I was now elated to see that someone liked it so much that they copied it to pass it on to their friends. It was ok with me. So far.
But later that week, as I googled "Pappu can't code saala"....I was amazed to see 6-7 external blogs that had posted this parody, some posted it as a forward (I was fine with it!!) but 2-3 of them posted it as their creation (now this was not acceptable guys) and the rest just posted it, cos they liked it. On commenting in each blog that posted it, 2-3 of them gave me the credits...2 of them accepted it and said they posted it as a forward, one didn't respond as well as unapproved my comment and one even asked me for proof that I wrote it. I had not realized that someone would involve in piracy of a parody!!! Phew...
It was indeed an emotional shake cos I was happy at being emulated in one way and very frustrated in another way...

Episode #2: Girl on the bus

Last weekend as I was going home to Bangalore I boarded the white electronic board wala AC bus in front of my Chennai house. As I looked around for a seat, I managed to find 2 seats one behind the other empty. As you might know, we have a 2+2 arrangement of seats on our buses, the window seats in both the rows were occupied by girls. Given a choice I would have preferred to sit in the front seat...reasons being two...one the seat was closer to the middle exit door...and two, this gal was prettier!! But instead I opted to go and occupy the seat behind, don't ask me why.
As I went towards that seat, the gal there suddenly kept the bag she had on her lap bang on the till-then empty seat. Now what could I do when destiny preferred to make a choice on my behalf. So I asked the pretty gal in the front row if I could occupy the seat next to her...she replied with a smile. The optimistic in me took it for an approval and I parked myself next to her. :P
In my mind, there was this sadness at being shunned by a gal in one case and thrill at being approved by the one I anyways had preferred...an emotional cocktail.

Episode #3: Promotional pain

Mid year promotion list was out...My classmate (and a good friend) who had joined my company on the same day as mine, had made it to the next level...but I was still at the same (not that I had expected, but when he got it...I wondered why I didn't)...So there was I, happy for my dear friend...and sad for myself...
The recent promotion list was out...I made it to the next level (I was more than elated, as I didn't expect due to loads of peer competition in my domain) but both my roommates (who joined same day as me) who had expected remained at the same level....As I went home that evening, I could not be happy for me....not could I be sad for them...
Both the times, the juices in the mind were emotionally cocktailed.

Episode #4: Those could have been mine...

Well...I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when this happened. One noon as I sat in my bay playing with the codes, I got a mail from my classmate. Let me refer to her as Q. This was an unusual mail, as the last time that Q had mailed me was over a year ago inviting me to her marriage (which I did attend). The subject line read "Happy News", so I opened the mail with all curiosity to find that my beloved classmate Q was now a mother of cute little twin daughters. I was excited and immediately replied a "double congratulatory" mail with a pathetic one-liner "one for each of you". Period.
Two days later, I got a call, close to mid-night. It was from London, another classmate (who is a very good and close friend) of mine. Let me call him X. It was just a casual call which he did now, then and whenever he needed free advice. Anyways...when X was done with his side of talking, he asked me what's all happening here in India...So I told him about Q becoming a mother of twin gals. What he uttered, drowned me in an emotional cocktail. I did know, but didn't realise (then) that X was all hearts and mind over Q during our teenage days and had somehow managed to escape from the unbearable pain by escaping to London over a year ago, almost exactly at the time that she got married.
He uttered, "those could have been mine...", to no one in particular. I felt like laughing my guts out but had to silently giggle, while at the same time I felt like I shared his pain...so unbearable.

Episode #5: The Human Manager

Over a week ago, I suddenly had an unusual stomach pain right before lunch on a thursday...so I took permission from my manager and left for the day. There was slight fever that night which subsided the next day, but left me weak and with body pain. So around 11am that friday, I dialled my manager's number to let him know that I would not come in for the day. When I called him and cited the reason, he said "Hey thats ok Sreeram, take care...and do let me know if you need anything at all. I would be glad to help you out. But do take care.". This coming from a senior person who has about 12-15 years of experience came as a pleasant shocker to me. In pain, I was one happy patient.
It did prepare a different cocktail in mind!! :D

Episode #6: Can't recognize voice

Now this friend of mine usually calls me on my cell from her cell. Let's call her Z. I happily pick up and say, "Hellllllllllloooooo Z...blah blah....."
Since she works in my company, she also calls me sometimes on my cell from the office phone (Vnet). And it so happens that whenever she has calls me from the Vnet...I see the number, pick up and:

Me: "Hello...."
Z: "Helllllllllllllllloooooo"
Me: "hmmm...ya..."
Z (now she being in doubt): "Well can I speak to Sreeram?"
Me: "Sreeram here....hmm....Who's this?"
Z: "Hey Duffer, again you didn't recognize my voice...its me...Z speaking"
Me (then as usual): "Hellllllllllloooooo Z...blah blah....."

She calls me from different Vnets to check if I recognize her voice, but the truth is I don't recognize her voice even if its the same number. If I had not stored her number under her name in my cell, I doubt recognizing her voice too. It does make me feel "oh not again" each time she says "again you didn't recognize my voice", but I feel happy that she being the sweet friend that she is...just doesn't mind these "born-with" antics of mine. Dunno, how I should react...happy or confused? ;)

Episode #7: Floater Fiasco

The floaters that I happened to use were about 15 months old and yet in very good condition...but I had got bored wearing the same for that long a period. I was also bored with the brand and design. So I was praying that the floaters would somehow get damaged which would provide me with an opportunity to go-get-a-newer-one.
Last Saturday when I reached Bangalore by the early morning train...I was shocked to see my floaters missing. Someone had flicked it from where I had kept it before boarding on to my upper berth the previous night in Chennai. I was sad over someone having stolen it, and more sad when I realised that I have to make it all the way home on naked foot.
On Sunday, I went to buy a new pair of floaters...and in the showroom, happened to see the same pair which I earlier owned and had got bored. Don't know what happened, I went ahead and bought the same once and over again. On reaching home, my mind had come back to senses. I was sad and frustrated over having bought the same floaters (design and brand-wise) while at the same time, I was happy over getting myself a new pair. I wore it, and jumped up-n-down for quite sometime...my way of mixing the cocktail in my mind!! ;)

Episode #8: Whats-in-a-name?

This friend Z of mine calls me a "Genius" when she's impressed/happy with me over anything....and then she calls me a "Duffer" when she's normal. But offlate (latest trend I can call it), she calls me Genius Duffer....totally oxymoronic...Makes me happy and keeps me grounded, both at the same time...I find myself totally in a cocktail!! :D

Episode #9: Face-off

A friend of mine introduced me to her new roommate over lunch sometime last week. Let me call her G. So my friend introduced us as "This is Sreeram...and this is G."...and over the next 30-40 minutes as we had lunch, we talked on different topics...!!!
On reaching back to my bay, I pinged G over the communicator regarding some matter, only to get a "OMG...you are that blog guy, isn't it?" reaction.
Now the thing was that during lunch, she had not known that this Sreeram was the same one who blogs and had pinged her....
That left me with a scratchy look on the face....now was I supposed to be Happy or was it the time to go "OMG"....emotional remix altogether!! :P

Episode 10...I guess will happen soon!!! ;)

Today i have completed or at least attempted 3 i have...

1. Attempted to write a song heres what i've come up with
Bordem a bor..deeem bordem
(This i then worked out was all ready a song by the buzzcocks) So i wrote
I'm so lonely ( i did this in a american accent trying to do a north korean accent) i then yet again realized this was all ready a song so i decided singer song writer was not my carer.

2. I attempted to make a youtube video, however with no video camera or any equipment for filming i then realized i would have to make a video camera and you probally won't be suprised to find that i falied with in about half an hour of smashing my toaster with a rock.

3. I made a blog. This so far seems to have worked.

So i can safely say i can cross one of my list of 101. So if you have been reading this and want to help me please send me something to do (anything) and i promise i will do my best to achevie it and if i do then i will take one off my list my goal to complete a hundred in 6 weeks. And if your bored yourself then you can read my blogs i will be hopefully writing and you can do one of the things yourself and then the world in my opinon will be a better place. Please send me ideas. Thank you.  

P.S Please hurry i found myself watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle today i have already seen.

P.SS. I've just realised it might be more fun to send something you do when your bored to stop it thanks.

WISH:
- Wake up early
- Shower
- Get Curly Top Up
- Have breakfast together
- TV time for Curly Top while I straighten up and be able to do a bit of cleaning each day
- Head out for the day doing errands and going to do fun stuff with Curly Top
- Home to play, get some work done
- Make dinner for my family
- Reading time
- Bath
- Bedtime
- Straighten up from the day
- Do my own stuff that makes me happy

HAVE:
- Wake up really early to a totally disorganized and messy house
- Shower (if I am up early enough)
- Straighten up kitchen
- Make coffee
- Answer emails and take care of stuff for one of my 3 jobs (Office job, D's scheduling, RnT)
- Pack lunch (can't afford to buy lunch)
- Spend somewhere around an hour in beltway traffic getting to work
- Work while still trying to make appointments, take care of paying our bills, figuring out what needs to be done on the weekend cause I am in an office when any public buildings are open (post office, bank etc.)
- Try to connect for a bit with D over chat
- At least one phone call to D and Curly Top so she can at least hear my voice sometime during the 21 hours a day I don't see her
- Squeeze in response emails for jobs for D, along with setting his schedule, making arrangements for Curly Top, billing customers
- Do all the things that are required to run RnT, sneak in phone calls to potential people for events, work on website, search for things to make RnT better, worry about ticket sales, find ways to increase sales yadda yadda yadda
- Make sure I do enough at work to keep my job
- Pack it up and shut down the office
- Get in the car for at least an hour home in beltway traffic (on a good day)
- Half the time stop somewhere to pick up something on the way home ... milk, prescription dropped off earlier, gas ... something to make my time coming home longer
- Arrive home to house I still haven't cleaned
- Get to see a super excited Curly Top
- Head outside for some bubble time and running around the yard
- Take turns in the kitchen with D preparing dinner
- Try and straighted up something so I kid myself into believing I have made an effort
- All sit down to dinner
- Unload dishwasher from the morning and clean up all dinner stuff
- TV and reading time with Curly Top
- Try and get her to clean up some toys
- Bath time
- Bed time
- Log onto computer for more work on D's business, more RnT work, check my actual job email, start making a list of all the things that need to get done before going to bed
- Stay up usually till 1:00 AM working on all sorts of things none of which are my fun projects that I wish I were working on
- Clean up the rest of the toys
- Debate making coffee for the next morning and talk myself out of it cause I am too tired (regret it in the morning when there isn't coffee waiting for me - promise not to do that again but probably will)

Then on the weekends I have to fit in:
- 7 loads of laundry
- 2 hours of putting away laundry
- make up for missing 105 hours with Curly Top during the week
- try and find something for the family to do at least one day during the weekend
- attempt to clean but usually get distracted from what needs to be done so I am back to waking up to a messy and dirty house Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning

Truthfully there is so much more but it is tiring me out thinking of it all ... especially being a Friday and getting ready to attempt the weekend stuff ...

How can what I want and what I have be so far away from each other?