So i basically didn't post all weekend.

This is probably not a good time to do an accumulation but i will anyways.

Going backwards

The major things:

4 hours of math homework

Broccoli pizza

Barbcue

Church/deans birthday (me and joel baked him a cake)

Band practice with Brookes band (atomic tupperwears?)

Comedywhacked showcase

Ya know in the timeline rehearsals don't often get placed as important yet that is where some of the most crucial things happen.

Regardless i didn't put it there but if you fill in most of that with either wasting time, eating, excreting, or rehearsing music/acting

Then thats my life.

Those are the moments where i really am.

Everywhere else is a facade.

Heres a thought though.

I can't.

I suuuuck. Man won't do something because either he wants to or is forced to.

And he will only do good if he is forced to.

But to all extents and purposes: he is not good. No matter what good or worthy thing he does.

Because everything he does it with god gave him anyways.

There is no way we can be good. Only by god are we able to do good. Never though, never WE ARE GOOD.

A lot of indirect things influenced this revelation today and it was an accumulation of things over time.

This weekend i almost broke down.

I on several occasions attempted to disobey my god

All in all, i did. But several times i got quite horny and got to the edge where i could jump off and enjoy that rush of falling but eventually would die at the end.

Thank goodness he failed me through the value of another friend.

Really interesting how he works in very subtle ways sometimes.

Big things can happen indirectly by subtle workings. Nevertheless, they are from God.

There is this lady who i remember approached me after my testimony at church.

She talked to me for a little bit and confused me a lot. What she said was kinda weird and didn't make any sense.

I mean it did.. but it was not really anything significant. Something about developing my cry for god.

And i saw her today in the hall having a seemingly significant conversation.

I must say that i judged her. I judged also scott. I judged Gail. I judged half the freakin church!

I judged a lot of people today.

Anyways this lady, i can't recall her name but i judged her saying to myself "what a nut, doesn't she know she's not accomplishing anything for god by being so weird".
Then i realized later, wait.. who am i to talk?

For one, i don't know her heart, her life, all i know is about 30 minutes of her life.

For two, what has me being so normal accomplished?

Surely, as Paul had talked about not 10 minutes prior, we who follow jesus christ with everything we have will be persecuted.

Its not as if i was "persecuting" her in the normal sense of the word. But to me she was living for god. Never had i heard a word out of her mouth that wasn't for god. It wasn't culturally acceptable: normal so i rejected it as dumb and crazy.

I need to be quite careful of how i think, simply because i don't say it doesn't mean that its okay...

As it says in Matthew that all those little slips god will count against us.

I need to not be so cynical.

Questioning everythings purpose and rationality but realize that god is not always rational.

Not to say that all fully devoted followers of christ will always be irrational and crazy sounding. But they may.

So don't dismay, but do what god may do with you.

?

Love,

Me.

Ps Brittany is taking a seemingly active interest in being my friend. Apparently it all blew over but there are still awkward elements no matter what. Its strange to talk in txt so much without barely seeing each other or talking face to face then seeing her in person (and so stunning as well). i still have feelings for her, which may not be there to be fulfilled to the extent i want them to be but simply a motivation to make a good christian friend. I need a few of those. I am a bit lonely. So i will chase it but not screw it up like i did before. I gotta make sure its about god.