it's silly, really.  it's casting Mr.  Eating Disorder as an olde tyme movie villain with evil in its heart and wax in its moustache saying "do this and the girl gets it!"  we can't go letting the eating disorder WIN, now can we?  oh deary-me no, we musn't!

except if there's one thing i have learned through hard and long experience its that the eating disorder isn't a seperate person (no matter how much you wish it was) and it never really wins (no matter how much you want it to).  as someone who has said about a thousand times "okay!  i give up!  the eating disorder wins now and i am never ever ever going to try recovery again, ever."  i can tell you for sure that the eating disorder never wins. 

for as long as you remain alive, by definition, the eating disorder hasn't won because there's always room for hope and for recovery.  i can't speak to whether or not anything exists beyond death, but i would say that even if a person dies of suicide or directly of an eating disorder the eating disorder hasn't won, not really.  in the memories of the people that matter there's always a lot more to a person's life than their disorder, even if it killed them.  it's the same as any addiction- there's a lot more to who an addict was than their addiction even when they die of an overdose.  to me the idea of an eating disorder winning would mean it was all that was left, that it completely erased and did away with the human being behind the bulimia or anorexia or compulsive overeating.  short of that it hasn't won, not really, has it?

the point being, i hereby banish the phrase "do that and the eating disorder wins" from my presence.  it no longer has any meaning for me.  sometimes i'm going to do the "bad" thing.  maybe right now i'm still doing the "bad" things a lot more than the right ones.  irrelevant.  my choice to do the wrong thing means that i'm choosing to make things a lot harder on myself and make recovery take a lot longer than it otherwise might.  bad choices are still bad choices- i'm not going all alice in wonderland on you or anything.  but bad choices aren't the end of the world, the eating disorder hasn't and cannot and will not win, no matter how many bad choices i may make, because that would mean i can't just turn around and start making some good ones.  and that's the kind of thinking that turns a bad few days into months and months of relapse.

question settled.  the eating disorder cannot win, so don't go talking like it has a gun to my head and if i put a foot wrong it will pull the trigger.  i can promise you that if that were the case i would IMMEDIATELY put a foot wrong and insist that it do its worse, just to get rid of the awful feeling of imprending doom hanging over ever minor choice or decision!

i tell you that to help explain the significance that the number 102 holds for me.  some of this might sound crazy to you if you do not now have nor have ever had an eating disorder, but i have a thing about even numbers.  i've always preferred evens to odds, but in particular i like fours and twos (yes, if you're a sci fi nerd, it does have something to do with the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything).

by the way, before any smartasses point it out, i am aware that 224 has plenty of twos and fours in it and i am not at all fond of that particular number.  thanks but no thanks.

the thing about the number 102 is that for me it represents both everything i want that feels just out of reach, and everything i fear about the anorexic side of my eating disorder.  102 is lovely- but think about it.  what's left, once you get to 102, what's left to strive for?  101 is downright ugly, 100 also ugly because it's sort of too big, too much of a milestone.  technically it's even but the only actual number is a one, which is odd.  then you move into the nineties.

every single number in the nineties has a big old 9 in it.  i'd say the only remotely acceptable number in the nineties would be 92, but really you need to be in the 80s before you start seeing properly even numbers again.

and this is the problem with the number 102, because it's the last really decent number before you start getting into territory that even i, anorexic mindset though i may have, will have to admit is worrying.  if even the most clueless people will give me slightly worried looks at 104, then even i will have to admit that there's something a bit concerning about the idea that i don't find any numbers that are really to my liking below 102 until i get into the mid eighties.

the asthetics of the numbers themselves aside, that's kind of a lot more actual weight to lose off of my actual body which is in actual real life already probably small enough as it is by any remotely realistic standards.

tell me it's romantic.  lie to me.  tell me its oh-so artistic and romantic, the brilliant artist wasting away to nothing because as everyone knows the most brilliant most talented people are also super fucked in the head.  it's almost as if god him or her or itself is trying to balance the scales and not give too many good things to any one person.

mentally, that is.  god doesn't seem to have any reservations at all when it comes to giving lots and lots of money and prestige and power to people of fair intelligence who aren't even a little crazy.  present presidents notwithstanding.

just don't tell me i'm sick, and sad, and lonely.  that i need to take a deep breath and get the hell over my weight and recover already because no one else can do it for me.  i'd rather hear all that stuff about it being romantic.  i'd rather have god take the blame for it.

102.  the perfect number.  congratulations.

Anyway, I gave my mini to my youngest brother. However, it had all my music on it. In the year and a half-ish since I gave it to him, I have been out of state most of it, so I haven't changed the music. So now he and I are going through the iPod's library and removing music he doesn't want. Some of it, he doesn't know what it is, so we have to listen to some of the artists so he can decide. Right now, I'm listening to "Anywhere Is" by Enya just because I knew he wouldn't like Enya.

~~~~~~~~~

Now to the points of my post. First is eating disorder hierarchies. What??! Eating disorders have a hierarchy?? Well, yes, actually. I've become strangely addicted to reading the blogs of other eating disordered people and this always gets me thinking. This time I was thinking about what I've learned in my just north of 2 years being involved in the online eating disorder community. One of those somethings is the eating disorder hierarchy. If you have an eating disorder, you may know what I'm talking about, you may not. But I'm willing to bet you know of it regardless of whether you agree with it.

So what is it? Well, we need to start with the basics. Eating disorders, when simplified, fall into 3 basic categories: anorexia, bulimia, and binge-eating disorders. In the eating disorders, the view of oneself and others in terms of self-worth, strength, will power, success, etc is based on the eating disorder hierarchy. The top of the "food chain" as it were are the anorexics. They're the ones the bulimics and binge-eaters strive to be like. They're the ones who are strong and successful at their eating disorders.

Then you have the bulimics, right in the middle. (Hey, that's me in so many ways! [I'm the exact middle of 7 children]) They're higher up than the binge-eaters but below the anorexics. Moderately successful at their eating disorder, they long for the wispy, porcelain thinness associated with anorexia. Last, and most certainly least are the people with binge-eating disorders. The bottom of the totem pole, the ones who are weak and unsuccessful at their eating disorders. The ones to be viewed with pity, but never to be admired. They themselves often feel shame at being in this category. Shamed by their binging and perceived weakness.

The biggest problems with the eating disorder hierarchy is that the judging isn't fair and it encourages, whether openly or not (often not), the worsening of eating disorders. I'll explain why it's not fair. Let's say you have 3 children and each only learns one subject in school. It would be unreasonable and unfair to give a geography test to child who only learns math and shame them for flunking. Likewise, if you gave an English test to the child who only learns geography. The 3 subjects are not comparable, each has it's own rules and usage. It's the same with eating disorders. They're each there own disorder with its own set of rules and behaviors and are not comparable. And yet they all compare themselves to each other.

The binge-eaters who binge on food compare themselves to the bulimics who purge after their binges. The bulimics compare themselves to the anorexics who don't binge (or eat). So who do the anorexics compare themselves to? While the bulimics and binge-eaters take the "anorexia test" and feel shame for failing, the anorexics take the "worse possible case of anorexia ever test" and feel shame for failing that. They compare themselves to the worse cases they've heard of and since they haven't been hospitalized 85 times, don't weigh 68 pounds, don't look quite like walking death (just walking disease), they too have failed.

At this point, you probably either think I'm crazy or know exactly what I'm talking about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Point number two. Bones! I love bones. You may too. My personal favorites are wrist bones and collar bones. I like my left wrist better because it's smaller than the right wrist. Probably because I'm left handed. I love to see my wrist bones. I love to run my finger over them as the poke out. I also love my collar bones. I love to trace them with my finger, tap them to feel the bone, move my shoulders so the stick out more, etc.

But did you know that bones has uses beyond keeping your body unjumbled in proper order and upright. It's true!! So I've decided I'm going to start posting their uses as I discover them. The first one is about collar bones.

Practical uses for bones #1 - Collar Bones: cell phone holder! Yes! You see, yesterday, I was trying to refill the gallon jug I use for each day's water. I needed both hands and I had my cell phone in one. The outfit I was wearing had no pockets so I was frustrated.  But then I realized it! I stuck my phone on my shoulder, resting on my collar bone. It worked magnificently. It stayed right where I wanted it while I finished up the things I needed to do.

~~~~~~~

I had planned to talk about Frosties and the media too, but I've run out of time. So I'll have to come back to them.

A new page was published on ask the Personal Trainer website today.

A page dedicated to unhealthy ways to lose weight was a necessary addition to pages about nutrition, diets and supplements.

The page is (hopefully obviously) not trying to glorify unhealthy weight loss methods such as drugs, laxatives, starvation, purging and smoking but make people aware.

As a personal trainer I would think that many personal trainers, active, and health minded people would think that unhealthy ways to lose weight are common sense.

The fact is, many people have no idea about their own bodies or how they work.  While a personal trainer would easily know that smoking cigarettes is unhealthy even though it helps stay slim, many people probably do not.

The list is not 100% complete yet as there are new unhealthy practices to lose weight popping up on each new episode of any Hollywood gossip show.

The most common form of unhealthy weight loss is neglected from the page for a reason.  Fad diets are sometimes healthy and sometimes unhealthy.  The point of the website is to get people thinking past what they see in the media.

Just like certain subjects which aren't taught or neglected in high school and are extremely important, like credit cards, the knowledge learned in P.E. class is long gone by the time most people are 20+ pounds overweight and are looking for a diet.

The goal of AskTheTrainer.com is to educate normal people who have fitness goals, to make the correct decisions when it comes to training, nutrition and supplements rather than force feed textbook information and selling one size fits all products.

Not touched in the page is bulimia or anorexia.  Purging and starvation are covered but there will be a whole page devoted to eating disorders in the future.  Research needs to be done or another professional needs to volunteer to help people who suffer from these conditions in the present, future or even the past.

Además de nuestros programas en vivo!

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Un fenómeno conocido como anorexia light comienza a permear en mujeres de 25 y 45 años, y a la paecer el número de muertes por deficiencia de nutrientes. Distingue los límites de la delgadez.
¿Cuantas veces has hecho una dieta en los últimos años?

Aunque no creas, los trastornos alimenticios son más comunes de lo que te imaginas. A finales del 2007 comenzó a manejarse un nuevo concepto que comienza a verse en la sociedad. La anorexia light.

A diferencia de la otra, ésta se da en mayores de 25 años y es 'socialmente permitida' pues quien la padece no llega a estar en los huesos, solo se considera al 'pendiente de su belleza'. Y no solo eso, la Secretaria de Salud en México también dió a conocer que la deficiencia proteíca causada, entre otros factores, por obsesión de restar calorías ala dieta, comienza a figurar entre las 15 primeras causas de muerte en México.

Chicas exitosas y profesionistas se enganchan a los estereotipos de la belleza y la delgadez a través de la mercadotecnia, el boom de las dietas, y la de los productos milagro.

Poco a poco, quizá sin darse cuenta, comienzan a bajar de peso sin prestar síntomas de alerta, hasta que llega el momento de caer en las garras de la anorexia nerviosa o la bulimia.

La anorexia no es asunto privativo de  las adolescentes o de las niñas. Se ha visto que las mamás, las profesionistas y en general mujeres adultas también son víctimas de este ambiente tóxico. En muchos casos vemos que hacen dietas constantes que consideran inocuas, pero poco a poco se van obsesionando. Entre otros casos vemos que desde la adolescencia usaban dietas restrictivas pero nunca fueron más allá de esto  hasta que hubo un detonante, como un rechazo o un problema social. Lamentablemente en muchos trabajos se festeja aun más que el mismo profesionalismo, que la compañera haya bajado un gramo. No importa que sea exitosa o inteligente, aun se sigue alabando a los delgados como si esto fuera lo máximo.

Cuando esta obsesión por la delgadez comienza en la tercera o cuarta etapa de la vida, es por que se ha asociado con el miedo al envejecimiento, pues en esta sociedad ser mujer y ser mayor es un delito que se castiga con la burla o la indiferencia.

BELLA POR SIEMPRE:

Muchos de los trastornos alimenticios están relacionados con problemas psicológicos. Según el estudio, más allá de los estereotipos realizados por la fundación Dove, el 23% de las mujeres que participaron en la encuesta cambiarían la inteligencia por un mejor físico, el 29% evita el ir a la playa o a la alberca por no tener un buen cuerpo, el 25% no va a eventos sociales, y el 23% no compra ropa.

Los trastornos alimenticios, como la anorexia light, son una forma de evadirse, de anestesiarse, Traes un chip de no estar a gusto y eso se lo agregas a conflictos en la familia y enfermedades, sin duda caes en una adicción.

Hay chicas y familias muy preocupadas con la imagen, por la salud, por los suplementos, el ejercicio, pero si hay un problema de fondo puede generar un trastorno. Hay que saber muy bien cuales son los límites de sentirse bien o verse bien.

Para saber cuando dejas de estar y verte bien, puedes recurrir a las tablas de índice de grasa corporal (IMC). Si estas hasta un 10 o 15% por debajo de tu peso ideal, notas cambios en la textura de tu piel, en el pelo, eres presa del mal humor y de la fatiga, es momento de buscar ayuda.

TÚ PUEDES SER TU PEOR ENEMIGO

La bulimia y la anorexia, son conductas autodestructivas, incluso, masoquistas. Me castigo por que no funciono, por que no soy sexy ni delgada. También se sabe que hay bulímicas que disfrutan mucho vomitar, es una especie de orgasmo. Estos trastornos esconden más que un problema de autoestima, que hay algo en la vida que no se quiere aceptar que energéticamente rechazas, desechas o vomitas. Y la comida podría simbolizar ese algo. Hay que ver para atrás ver para atrás, donde comenzó todo, ¿Qué no aceptas de tu vida? ¿Cómo percibes la realidad?

NUEVOS DESCUBRIMIENTOS

En el 2007, investigadores de la universidad de Pittsburg, dieron a conocer que las personas con anorexia y otros trastornos de la alimentación, tienen alterada una región del cerebro relacionada con la ansiedad y el perfeccionismo, además de contar con interconexiones cerebrales que los hacen vulnerables a los desórdenes alimenticios.

DE POCO SIRVE LUCIR COMO MODELO, SU TU INTERIOR ESTA EN CONFLICTO. CONOCE AL ENEMIGO

ANOREXIA NERVIOSA. Se caracteriza por el miedo extremo a la obesidad y la aversión a la comida, está asociada con la mayor tasa de mortalidad entre las enfermedades mentales. Datos oficiales refieren que tanto la anorexia como la bulimia tienen una incidencia hasta del 3% en México sin embargo se cree que en realidad 10 de cada 100 mujeres la padecen.

ANOREXIA LIGHT. Necesidad de reducir el consumo de calorías que poco a poco lleva a limitar  la alimentación. También la acompaña una obsesión de verse bien y entrar en ropa de tallas pequeñas. A diferencia de la otra, la persona esta consciente de su delgadez pero no quiere llegar a los huesos.

BULIMIA. La persona come compulsivamente y después se provoca el vómito, toma laxantes y ayuna o hace ejercicio en extremo para controlar su peso.

INGESTA COMPULSIVA. Come en grandes cantidades productos que le causan placer, generalmente en solitario, y solo se detiene si hay una dolencia estomacal, le siguen sentimientos de culpa, enojo, y problemas de salud.

ORTOREXIA. La obsesión patológica por comer comida sana que puede causar una pobre nutrición.

I have to stop doing this to myself. I am abusing my body in more ways than I thought and losing my apartment isn't what I had planned, but this month I am coming close. I have to pull my hours at both jobs and if the grocery store can't give me enough hours, I'll need to pick up a 3rd job back at McDonald's again. Thank goodness minimum wage is going up, which will help with my grocery store check.

I can't afford to go to the doctor on Friday for my RSD. I just don't have the extra money. I have no clue how or if I'll be able to pay the ER bill from Sunday night either. I will have to charge my dentist bill week after next for my cleaning. I just don't have the money coming in. I know if I cut my food budget back, that will help, and I should be slapping myself in the face and on my fat tummy for how all of my binging this month has almost made me see a negative amount in my checking account. I have binged before, but never this bad. I can't believe stuffing my face has done this to me. Now I am fat and scraping the pennies.

Bottom line is that I will make it through. I will be getting some hours this week at the grocery store, at least 6, which I am picking up tomorrow. I will do my best to pull 40 at Relay and if I can't physically work them, I'll PTO them. I can do this for a week or two to help suppliment my paycheck. Once Texas Tech is back for the fall session, my hours are supposed to pick up at the grocery store... so I'll be bringing in more then. Right now, it just sucks - right now, I am just finding the bottom of what I am made of financially and in other ways.

Binging makes me feel worthless, out of control, and terrible. I have all of these clothes I can't wear, my bank account won't let me get new clothes, and I am physically uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel degraded and empty, despite having a full tummy. My stomach is full of nothingness, yes nothingness, because food is a temporary filling for something else. My skin physically feels tight pulled over the fat I have not had on my body in years. I sweat a lot, I am tired all the time, I can't sleep, and nothing makes me feel whole. Binging does nothing to make me feel better, not even in the here and now because binging makes me feel sick. I eat until I can't eat anymore, then I go to sleep or do something that doesn't cost my body any energy. Binging makes me feel sorry for myself, low, ugly, masculine, unattractive, and invisible. Binging has simply replaced self-injury in my life. Binging fills a pit I have in my soul that food can't fill because food doesn't fit.

I have to work tomorrow and can't go to Celebrate Recovery. This was another miscalculation, but I'll make it through. Maybe I'll have Sunday off this week. I really like the small group of Celebrate Recovery at the other church in town. The ladies are friendly there and encouraging there. I miss going to Celebrate Recovery alltogether. Celebrate Recovery has been as much a thorn in my side as it has been a light I have followed to keep me from falling off the narrow path around the mountain I am ascending, climbing toward God.

I'm feeling confused, overwhelmed, and scared. I'm having trouble grasping any sense of control over my life. Every aspect is spiraling in a different direction. I can't pretend anymore that I am okay. I know my threads are bare, people are starting to look straight through me, and I am not sure what they will see...

Abstract  

Carers of people with eating disorders experience high levels of distress due to the difficulties in their care giving role and their perceived lack of resources to help their relative. This paper describes an intervention where some of the skills used by specialist nurses and other staff from an eating disorder intensive care setting are taught to carers to improve their sense of competency and alleviate their distress. The aim of this study was to examine the feasibility and acceptability of ‘‘the Maudsley eating disorder collaborative care skills workshops’’ programme among care givers and whether the difficulties and distress involved in caring for a person with an eating disorder were reduced.

For the full-text of this journal article please email: susan.jennings@lancashirecare.nhs.uk

I feel like I am just being awakened from a really deep sleep.
In the past few months, i have been diagnosed with epilepsy, type 1 diabetes, polycystic ovarian syndrome, fibromyalgia, periphreal neuropathy, leaky gut syndrome and severe IBS. Every time I sit down to eat, I feel as if I am being attacked, that there is a sock around my torso, that I cannot let go.
I thought it was a karmic knot I was here to unravel.
It depends on how you look at it, I suppose.
I tried to write my way to process the severe tension and chronic pain, thinking that we all had it so tough, that everyone was walking around with an impenetrable shell.
I was told I was anorexic,
despite eating more than anyone I ever shared meals with, and then some in hiding,
thinking about food constantly,
and eating more than I wanted.
I consistently felt as if the food was getting stuck in my head.
When I wasn't eating, I was thinking about what I would eat next.
When I sat down to eat, I felt as if I was going to die.

I left a life in New York for the Caribbean this March.
Days before I left New York, I was not sleeping, I lost all sensation in my hands and feet, and developed what felt like a cage around my torso.
In St. Barth's, I started having seizures. I could not see straight and all I could think about was food. I nearly lost my life to what felt like a food coma, and what appeared to be a starving body.
Still, despite eating as much as possible, I was losing weight.

I came to Nashville, where I was raised and knew I would be in familiar territory. I was looking for the love that I felt I was trying to get through the food. I was not sure I was going to make it, continued to have seizures for a couple of months, before I really made the decision that "I am going to make it". I started acting as if everything was ok. Showing up to teach yoga and pilates classes, dizzy, hungry, unable to recall where I parked my car. I asked that God show me the way.

Again, I nearly passed out from insulin resistance teaching classes. Or maybe it was just anxiety.
Still, I kept going.

I am on my way to teach a yoga class now and I recognize where I've been...

Unable to digest life, I sought out ways to try and fix myself.
The more I thought I was broken, the more my internal world responded.
Gradually, as I moved around the world, seeking answers to my insatiable appetite,
the more my body broke down.
Some common themes along the way were:
*just breathe
*meditate
*go within
*use nature to let go
*yoga, yoga, yoga
*have fun

In the recent months, these things have felt nearly impossible.
For me to act as if I was present, had become an incredible burden. Being hungry all of the time, and obviously well below normal weight and extremely picky with foods from all of the digestive distress, I was constantly worried that people could see through my smile how much pain I was bearing.
From the inside, I felt like "girl, interrupted".
I knew I was not myself,
but felt as if I would always live in tremendous pain.
I saw the world through “food goggles”, constantly worried that I was going to be hurt by the food I was eating, and every day looking for new foods to eat that would stay in my system.

Until I ran into an old friend who was diagnosed with celiac.
He shared with me his symptoms of being in constant digestive distress, and hooked on certain foods, moving around trying to feel more comfortable, and feeling as if nothing was working led him to get tested.
I have just gone for my test.
I am 2 days gluten free, and feel as if I am going to make it.

I had a conversation with a dear friend who I knew struggles with gluten intolerance last evening. She also happens to be a colon hydrotherapist, and 8 out of 10 of her colonic patients are gluten intolerant.
If you struggle with any of the following symptoms, you could be just around the corner from radiant health.
*spaciness
*digestive distress (bloating, cramps, diarrhea)
*ADD/ADHD
*compulsive behavior (i.e. lying or exercising or inability to sit still)
*OCD
*blood sugar problems
*arthritis
*depression or anxiety
*memory problems
*asthmatic symptoms
*autism
*social anxiety
*obesity

You could be living with a spirit silencer, an inner demon that is sucking the life out of you. If you have ever experienced digestive distress, you understand how this feels.
If your symptoms are less severe, but you still experience attention problems, muscle tension or spasms, sleeping or digestive disturbances, it is highly a symptom of gluten intolerance.

As I learn more, and heal on a deeper level, I will share what is working and how to create radiant health and a gluten-free life.

For now, some things that work for me are avoiding:
wheat, barley, oats and rye
which includes soy sauce, modified food starch, natural flavorings, spices, and caramel coloring.

Incorporating whole grains, especially:
millet, amaranth, buckwheat, quinoa

Healthy fats:
avocado
olive, flaxseed, pumpkin seed oils

Legumes and Nuts/Seeds
peanuts, peanut butter, pumpkin seeds, walnuts

Animal Protein:
wild caught fish (salmon, black cod, red snapper, trout)
free range chicken and eggs
free range turkey

Stay tuned for more on creating a radiant life from the inside out.

I came into contact with a supportive and compassionate loved one of a fellow sufferer. The sufferer is coming out of inpatient in a few days and I'm going to be in contact with her. I'm so excited, and I hope I can help her in some way. This must be such a scary transition she is going through (after all, I went through the exact same thing almost two years ago), and I hope this is just the beginning of an awesome relationship and an awesome journey for her.

Sorry for the lack of updates! But I hope you are enjoying the site. :-)

Flip the pages of any men's or women's fashion magazine and you will notice that among male models, thin appears to be in.  A recent article in the New York Times attributes this trend to a growing attitude influencing major fashion shows around the world: skinny guys welcome, muscular dudes need not apply.  More and more, men resembling the traditional high-fashion male model are being dropped from consideration for the toniest runways and fashion magazines.  Instead, agent and producers are looking for smaller framed gentlemen and emblazoning the pages of magazines with depictions of the rail-thin, "perfect" male figure.

Over the past several years, the general public has become more aware of eating disorders and the media's role in perpetuating the myths that lead to serious illnesses.  Celebrities are starting to speak out against culture's tendency to revere models, athletes, actors, and others who are virtually devoid of body fat as the standard bearers of beauty; support groups, hot lines, and rehab facilities offer help to those who are caught in the throes of eating disorders; and some high-powered fashion organizations have put strict limitations on how thin their models are allowed to be.  All of these are steps in the right direction; however; most of the awareness is promoted and geared toward one section of the population:women.  The fact is that men have also historically struggled with eating disorders and are susceptible to the same tragic and possibly fatal consequences.

Last year, researchers from Harvard conducted a study of eating disorders among a population of 3,000.  Twenty-five percent of those with anorexia nervosa and bulimia were men, and males made up 40 percent of binge-eaters.  These statistics are much higher than once believed, and these numbers may be just the tip of a very dangerous iceberg.  Many men who suffer from eating disorders are not likely to seek help, or even to tell anyone at all.  And eating disorders among men often go undiagnosed by physicians because their symptoms may be ascribed to other conditions such as depression.

Awareness and the accessibility of confidential help may need to have a marked and focused presence for both men and women who may have an eating disorder.  Anorexia and bulimia are deadly disorders, and the rising number of people suffering from them is cause for alarm for both sexes.

when you have no job, when you've been forced to leave school because of your disorder, when you've lost relationships and friendships, when these things have happened there's not much left of you that isn't your eating disorder.  for a long time i really didn't have anything in my life except my ed.  it makes it hard to see yourself as more than just a walking talking eating disorder.  it makes it hard to know what else of you there might be apart from that disorder.

what i have right now apart from my ED is my writing.  just that- but just that is a lot compared to how things were before i began to write again.  writing gives me something to be proud of that has absolutely no connection to my weight or what i eat or how much i puke.  writing shows me that there are whole worlds of my imagining within me that come from a part of my untouched by my ED.  worlds that are far more interesting than buying food and puking it into a toilet.  worlds that are far more beautiful than even the skinny degas-ballerina body dream my eating disorder gives me.

i am two things.  i am a bulimic/anorexic and i am a writer.  the truth is, i like and respect the writer a lot more than the bulimic/anorexic, no matter how much success i have had in losing weight, in reaching size 0, in becoming skinny rather than fat.

i want to be that writer.  i want to be a writer who once struggled with an eating disorder.  but most days i feel like a walking talking eating disorder that writes things.

sometimes i have a failure of imagination, because the person who writes the stories i read seems like a better person than who i am and what i believe myself capable of.  i want to believe in the writer, but in truth i believe more strongly in the disorder.

how do i learn to see both?  how can i learn to let the writer eclipse the disorder, instead of the other way around?  when i most need it it seems my imagination fails me.

No te funcionan las dietas? sufres rebotes?

Cuando te estresas o enojas empiezas a comer de forma descontrolada?

Te molesta tener que hacer ejercicio, o te falta motivacion para hacerlo?

Te tengo buenas noticias.

Puedes resolver todos esos asuntos con EFT...y podras lograr tambien

• Acelerar tu metabolismo
• Mejor manejo del stress
• Mejorar tu salud emocional
• Bajar de peso.

Todo esto con EFT (Tecnicas de Liberacion Emocional).

Encuentra mas informacion haciendo click aqui

Saludos!

Sergio Lizarraga

http://www.cibertrabajo.ws/libemo

Does the title of today's post sound too good to be true?  The kind of stuff found only in science fiction?  If you are knee deep in your gambling addiction, the concept of losing the "taste" for gambling  probably sounds like the latest installment of The Twilight Zone, doesn't it?   A year ago, if someone told me this was possible, I would have asked them, "Whatcha smokin' man??" and then I would have laughed my butt off... all the way to the casino.

Now, though, it's July 2008 and I KNOW this is not science fiction.  I am happy to unequivocally say that I indeed have lost the "taste" for gambling.  In fact, now, just the thought of it makes me sick and nauseous.  No way, man, am I ever going to grab a new plate and return to that "all you can eat gamble buffet".  Even though it may look and taste fresh, everything at the buffet line is contaminated and spoiled.  It will just make me sick to my stomach.

Ok, so what happened then?  Did I use superpowers (atomic laser beam, activate!) to zap the part of my brain that was driven to gamble??   Did I go through a lobotomy?  Did I get a brain replacement surgery?

No, no and no.

I've said this before but I just can't say it enough:  I was prescribed medication to treat my OCD.   And this was done by a psychiatrist, NOT a regular doctor. I had literally seen dozens of regular doctors over the past 8 or 9 years, and not one, NOT ONE ever diagnosed me correctly and prescribed an anti-depressant that also very specifically treats OCD.

I'll never forget talking to my psychiatrist for the first time.  He asked me a series of questions, and right away, I thought, "oh my god!  that is me!"  For example, one of the characteristics of OCD is to constantly check or recheck to see if appliances are turned off or if outlets are plugged in.

Here  is an excerpt from a website about OCD

Obsessions can include:

• doubts about doors being left unlocked and appliances being left switched on
• concern over causing harm to others
• an intense fear of making mistakes or behaving inappropriately, which can lead to indecision about simple things
• pre-occupation with the ordering and arrangement of objects

When I was a kid, oh boy, did I have that problem of always checking doors and appliances!  Especially at night.  I would lie in bed, wide awake, worried that something might not be plugged in all the way, or that the refrigerator door was not closed all the way, or that the oven/toaster/iron was still on.  It would get so bad that I could not sleep before making "rounds" throughout the house to check everything.

Then, once I was back in bed, my mind would race.  "Did I really check everything thoroughly?  Did I overlook a plug?  What if something has moved since I last checked?" And so, I would make my "rounds" again.... sometimes 3 or 4 times a night.

When I discussed this with the doctor, I was to say the least, surprised that this was OCD-type behavior.  I just thought I was a weird kid, that's all... and that I had grown out of that phase - or so I thought.  (no, I don't do "rounds" now, hahaha)

As a kid I remember other odd rituals I felt compelled to  perform.  I was afraid, too, that I might harm someone!  I went so far as to sometimes tie my foot to the bedpost before falling asleep, in fear that I would get up in the middle of the night and do something bad.

Even though those behaviors eventually faded, as a young adult I suffered through another bout of unexplainable behavior,  which at the time I had no idea was also a classic symptom of OCD:  bulimia.  This is not the easiest thing for me to type and share with the world, but for purposes of discussing my OCD, it is necessary.  I started when I was about 16, and this lasted for about 3 years.   Those were some of the darkest moments of my life, even darker than my gambling period (as hard as that may sound to believe!!)

This article explains the connection between OCD and bulimia, an excerpt of which is below:

"Patients with OCD display many behaviors and traits that are characteristic of patients with anorexia and bulimia, and data from various studies suggests that obsessions and compulsions may help to explain the nature of the two eating disorders. Not only does the model of anorexia and bulimia as forms of OCD work in theory, but experimental data also supports its practical application in evaluation and treatment."

When my psychiatrist learned of my past behaviors, he realized that my issue was not gambling, but rather OCD.  He said that my OCD had just manifested itself in different ways throughout my life, but it was soon clear to him (and me!) that something more than just "liking slots too much" was going on...  I was suffering from a chemical imbalance which never got diagnosed properly and was left unchecked for years.

His prescription?  Prozac.  While at first I was skeptical (after all, I had tried dozens of medications before and nothing ever really had any lasting impact on me) I decided to listen to my psychiatrist and go with what he recommended.  I can't say I noticed a difference right away, but something did "shift" in my mind the first few days.  It was very subtle, but I could recognize that my mind was not spinning into overdrive as often as before.  Within a few weeks, I was feeling better generally overall and noticed that I could think about gambling in general terms without freaking out and running to the casino.  Within a few months, I was... at peace.  This is the peace that finally killed off my Gambling Ego.

Is Prozac a miracle drug?  Is that all it takes?  Pop a few pills and, whooosh, like magic everything that was once bent and out of whack suddenly becomes straightened out again? 

No.

Prozac is not a magic pill and it will not automatically make everything go away... instead, it rather eases the strong urges and compulsions, so that your mind is "quiet" and you are able to think things through rationally.    To this day I can't explain how or why it works, I just know it does.  My way of thinking has changed drastically since early January.  Situations which seemed hopeless at the time now seem... manageable.   I don't feel compelled to act upon the first thought that pops into my brain.  It is a very empowering feeling.

It will still be up to you to quit gambling once and for all, but at least with Prozac (or any other prescription medication used to treat OCD) you won't be overcome with nasty ugly thoughts all the time.  And you will lose your "taste" for gambling.  It is as if the medicine has scrubbers which "de-sensitize" the taste buds in your brain which make you want to gamble in the first place.

I know that sounds impossible, but all I can offer is my testimony that taking medication for OCD has worked for me!  I am so much happier without gambling in my life... and I know that if I could reach this point, ANYONE with a gambling addiction can, too.   

~Mingtha

''It's like CAS coming to you and telling you that you've raised your kids for long enough so they're going to take them now, no matter what, you've worked hard and now you can have  a break. Same thing applies to somebody who has an ED. We're going in there, telling them that they've gotta get rid of they're way of coping, what makes them feel safe. And what they're thinking right away is like hell you are. It takes time, work, support.''

...i wish i could explain it like that? well now i can.. He said alot of other amazing things, but i mean, i'm not going to type out our whole session lol. But he made me feel very, accepted, loved, needed. He assured me that trying is succes. They don't want perfection and trying is the main goal. If i slip, they know it doesn't mean i'm giving up, it means that the ED is very powerfull and they understand that... Today's session was good.

Mooving on, my father isin't speaking to any of us now. By that i mean me and my brother. The really horrible part is that my step mom has 7kids of her own, and she lost them all cause she's a crack addict. Well now, my dad is putting them down under his benifits/insurance and everything to get them home at his house so she can have her kids back.. Thing is, why the fuck i she doign that to 7 strangers, and he' sjust completely ignoring his REAL kids!? The ones that ACTUALLY LOVE HIM! Well really, we KNOW him. He's never even met her kids..

pathetic..

That stuff hurts..

Taking it easy today though, i've got no energy and i've got a headache starting up. Going to go for a jog, then maybe get some YOGA going, not too sure.

Take care everyone!

Be strong, i'm sending you'se all support(L)

I know that I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it--something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women--whatever that means--life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts...We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought--that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. We feel uncertain--uncertain what it means to be a woman; what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us--whether from a driven culture or a driven church--is try harder.

From "Captivating," a book by John & Stasi Eldredge

Try harder. Yep, that's the story of my life. Feeling like I'm failing and if I just got my act together, I could maybe be happy. So I try harder. But what do I really try harder at? Losing weight? Being the daughter I think my parents want? Being what I think others want? Trying harder. For others, because maybe that will fix me.

So I haven't been able to get on the computer lately. Since early early Friday morning. So what have I been up to? Well, Saturday, I went to see Wall-E. I'm not sure how I feel about this movie... Anyway, yesterday, I walked to Payless shoes and got some shoes for work. It was 102 yesterday. This morning I started work.

I hardly slept at all last night because I was so nervous/excited about this morning. I got up at 5:20am to get ready to go. Then I had a 2 and a half hour bus ride to the corporate office. Three hour orientation, then my sister picked me up and took me to my training store way across town. I worked at my training store until just after 4:00pm. It was a pretty good day overall.

I did eat lunch today. The first time I've eaten anything but dinner since like forever ago. My manager practically ordered me to have lunch and then, before I could say anything, told the guy at the register to ring me up. I don't normally eat at Wendy's...or any fast food...so I had to look for something on the menu that I could bear to eat. I finally decided on a salad. Little did I know how huge it was. I didn't finish it and I purged. Purging on your first day at work. I was really glad no one came into the bathroom.

So now I'm at home. Finally. Tired. My mom's upset that I'm not eating dinner. Seriously, two meals? Who does she think I am? But I might just to make her happy and then purge. Oh! Also, I was at King Soopers today waiting for the shuttle to pick me up and I ended up on the weight loss aisle. I picked up some diet pills. I've never used diet pills before because I don't really think they'll work. But I'm really hoping. Really hoping they'll help. I mean, I've been making good progress lately, but I'm not sure I'll have the energy to work and exercise. Plus, I'm just really scared to stop losing like I have been. So I figure any little boost I can give it.

i just had a moment.  a glimpse in a store window as i walked from a to b of myself as i have always dreamed of being.

tiny.  perfect.  delicate.  fragile.  peeping sideways out behind adorable black framed glasses, holding a purse and a bag of groceries that seemed outsized, too big for me.

these moments are so rare, so fleeting.  but i'd give anything for them.  i am, currently, giving everything for them.

do you even understand that i was between 180 and 200 pounds in high school?  i am 5'2" and i was shy and nerdy and i was the second fattest girl in the entire school.  do you even understand that i weighed around 150 pounds in middle school?  that i didn't realize, in elementary school, that the reason the ballet teacher liked my friend marie more than she liked me was because marie was tall and skinny and i was short and not skinny?  i didn't understand that, i just thought she didn't like me.  imagine my surprise when i lost weight in the first few years after graduating from college after being fat as long as i could remember and having people like me all of a sudden.  people who never would have given me a second thought were interested in looking at me and listening to me.  all along i'd thought people just didn't like me much because of my personality- a lie!  people just naturally prefer to talk and listen to thin people.

and now i catch a glimpse in a window and there i am, a degas ballerina with my hair in a bun and my body small all over.  and i know that i have done this.  my will and nothing more has taken that fat body and sculpted out of it a gorgeous little girl's body.

it's not me, of course.  i know what i look like.  i am fat and aging, nothing like the little girl i saw in the shop window.  but oh, for those few seconds i was her, i was pretty, i was perfect, i was good enough.

give up my eating disorder?  give up the only thing that ever gave me anything in my life worth having?  not in a million.

a note to my readers:  this is a PASSING feeling only.  i have not abandoned recovery.  i was using language to make a point and express my feelings.  do not freak out, i repeat, DO NOT freak out.  thank you.

Once I had "everything" -- then lost it through my parents' divorce. I didn't ever want to go through that again. I didn't want to lose everything ever again. Today I read an article about fear. It is learned behavior. We can deal with fear and change it through behavior modification, but apparently it remains in the body and is triggered off again when faced with the same stimulus.

One of our many abilities as humans is that of generalization. Because there is such a wealth of information to be processed, our brain helps us sort through things as to their relevance, and through generalization we learn to handle similar situations/objects/events etc. in similar ways. Imagine if we faced each day completely fresh with no previous information. Some people do advocate that -- as opposed to acting on preconceived notions all the time. For me, the challenge is to find a balance. I don't want to have to totally re-orient myself on a daily basis, but neither do I want to close my eyes to what is happening and just assume I know what the deal is.

Generalization can help us recognize and respond to dangerous situations. Living in a constant state of fear in a potentially dangerous situation is an immense stress. My fear was so strong and long-lasting, that I learned to avoid at all costs rather than attempt to find constructive solutions. That fear carried over into new life situations that had nothing at all to do with my history, but I acted as if it was all the same. Often I projected things on my husband and our relationship that had nothing to do with us. It was simply a resurrection of the past with new actors.

Through this long process and reviewing my history, I begin to see that I am strong and can indeed survive, as well as enjoy life. One of my strongest wishes in life was that my children would not have to suffer the same agony I went through. Today I realize that no matter what happens, they will not have that same misery. I am stronger than my mother was, have more experience than she did at the time, and I have learned a lot through her mistakes.

For myself, I am at a point where I cannot go on. I have hit the relationship bottom. Whatever our disorder happens to be, we have to hit bottom before we are willing to change. Often we have to hit bottom more than once before we finally get it. That I learned during my struggle with bulimia. A friend called me last week and suggested that I try a certain partner therapy which is known around the world. It could help us save the relationship, or it could help us separate on good terms. Funny enough, there is a center just 30 minutes' drive from here. So I will see what happens with that.

As far as having or not having is concerned, I always thought I would be a bohemian when I grew up. That was my goal as a teenager. My path has taken amazing twists and turns since then, but now I'm on the path back. I have experienced the life of need, as well as the life of plenty. Now I will put the focus on meeting emotional and spiritual needs, regardless of the material cost, rather than the other way around. I finally feel like I am growing up, and now I'm going back to my roots and back to the person I am. Without fear.

How about you? Maybe some of this sounds familiar? Good luck! You'll get there!

I think that cutting corners signifies a change in mindset. It doesn't matter if you're still technically eating a normal amount of calories... if you're not following your meal plan, you're restricting. Sure, there are some behaviors that are just habitual... but for the most part, the behaviors are going to follow your thoughts. So, if you've been cruising along pretty well in recovery for awhile... and then start occasionally skipping little things... that is significant.

My question now is... is skipping a meal every once in awhile maybe normal? And if it is... does that make it okay for someone with an ED history to skip a meal on occasional? Or, are they never able to have that degree of flexibility because of their past and genetic predisposition?

I've been visiting family this past week. On the drive up here (9 hours), my boyfriend decided he wasn't getting lunch -- not hungry. I wasn't terribly hungry and wans't about to stop and eat by myself. By the 5th hour of the trip, though, I was ready to have a breakdown (I'm sure low blood sugar was no helping) over my boyfriend skipping lunch. He definitely doesn't have an eating issue, but I still need the people around me to eat normally ALL the time.

Am I capable of just skipping an occasional meal -- assuming that's normal? I guess missing one meal isn't a big deal. But what kind of parallel can you draw between than a drug/alcohol addiction? Will I feel the need to restrict again? Will I feel like it's justifiable because other people skip meals?

The lines between healthy and unhealthy, normal and eating disordered, are all blurred. Is there less of a grey area if you've struggled with an eating disorder in the past? Could someone else's habits be fine for them, but disordered for me?

Now, family has two completely different sides at the moment. One of wich is amazing and i never thought possible, and the other well, doesn't surprise me at all and kills me just a little bit more each passing day.

I had asked my mum to go for coffee a few days ago, because i had just got off the phone with my dad and was having a breakdown..Well she couldn't and that didin't help so i basicly went on lockdown all day. I was having anxiety attacks and the whole package. Anyway, around 11pm after i've calmed down a little, i went and asked her again and we went. We sat in Tim Horton's parking lot for 2hrs talking about absoloutely everything.. About my ED, my depression, suicide, dad, family, drugs, sex..Absoloutely everything.. I franctically confessed my whole life to her. This was an unusual feeling.. I felt need, i needed to have her care, to hold me..And so, she did..For the first time, in a -very- long time.. We havn't held each other like that since i was a baby an dcould still fit in her arms.. I missed her.. And she missed me to.. By the end of it, we pinkty sweared to be best friends forever, no matter how much we might hate each other one day.. This, is amazing.. If only you knew what went on in the past between us, this just..You have no idea how this makes me feel.. I don't even understand the feeling, i've never felt it before..Safe? Protected? ..I don't know.. But, i have my mother back, and that's all that matters...

On the other hand, stupid mind games never ever cease in my family. Who knows, this thing with my mum might be one to, it seems to good to be true, but i don't care, i've gotta enjoy this, this never happend before. But, that's not my point. My dad is being a real ignorant fart (hehe).. He actually confessed to me that he'd rather screw if girlfriend instead of seeing his kids.. You know he didin't even call my brother on his birthday? They havn't talke dfor about 2months now. I went a year withought talking to him..But, ofcourse, he's always right, and didin't listen to a thing i said, so all this is going to start again.. I'm not chasing him this time. If he wants to dumb himself down for a crack addict who doesn't even have custody of her 7 kids but doesn't mind baching my mum on how she raised us, then, good for them. May they have a very nice life. I'm not chasing them.. I'm not staying up till 5am on the phone with my stepmum anymore to make sure she doesn't kill herself. I mean comeon, i'm 16, i'm suicidal, depressive and struggle with an ED..If i can deal with all that practicall yon my own, surely a 40yr old woman can deal with her need of attention resulting in creating false problems for herself and affirming to herself her need to be pitied.. I swear, i tried to like this woman. I welcomed her into my life. But, you know when you first meet someone, and automaticly theres this thing that makes you shiver and makes an automatic alarm go off in your head? Well, that's why i don't trust her. I'm nver ever wrong about people. And i'm not letting her make me risk my own life for hers.

I'm fed up with mind games.

it's not worth my life,.

My auntie's coming down in 6 days!! Then i'm going up to Ottawa for a few weeks, i'm majour exited to get away from everything and just be with her and K, and ofcourse her kitties..I'm not a big fan of cats, but, i love hers (: .

Can you beleive this, 45days until school starts, and already i'm mega exited..Well, can you blame me? 12th grade baby, i'm graduating!!!! YES:D ..Kinda sad though..Theres some teachers there i just don't want to have to say bye to.. Well, we'll deal with it when it happends. No need to cry about it now, hasn't een started yet lol.

Anyhow, i'm dying for a cigarette, yea, i was supposed to quit, i tried. i swear... Even i've given up on the fact of me quitting, i beleive it never is going to happen..

G'night everyone. Going strawberry picking with Memere and J tomorrow (:  YUM!

The conversations would ramble this way and that but they unfailingly ended with a return to his own office, slightly the worse for wear.  Damnit!  It wasn't easy being a press secretary.

This time seemed different, though.  He wondered if he might just have made it through a hole in the net of Cheney's staffers that encircled Mr.  President.  Here was the door at last and he dared to hope as he raised his fist to knock on it.

"Hello, Scott."  A kindly and all-too-familiar voice behind him and his heart sank.

"Hello, Mr.  Vice President."

"Scott, I'm afraid the president is in the bathroom right now.  He may be quite a while.  We wouldn't want to bother him, you understand, don't you Scott?"

"Yes, sir.  Of course, sir."  In the bathroom.  The president's little problem must be rearing its head again.  Maybe it was all these rumors about prisoners being tortured that was bothering him.  It was certainly scaring the hell out of Scott, in fact it was the very reason he'd been trying to see George in the first place.  It was all well and good to tell the cameras definitively that America Does Not Torture but what if it wasn't true.  That would be pretty damn important.

Here was the Veep again, in his face, a kindly old father figure just trying to take care of the nation while the POTUS was puking his guts out in the Oval Toilet.  He'd heard a rumor once that Cheney had a staffer whose job it was to buy and leave out boxes of White House doughnuts in places that the president was sure to happen across them.  It couldn't be true though, not really.  It wasn't Cheney's fault that the President was so often indisposed just when a crisis made him so much more needed.

"Scott, we really can't disturb the President at a time like this, I'm sorry.  But I'm sure if there's anything you're needing help with I can free some time up to talk to you."

"Yes, of course that would be fine, sir.  Thank you, sir."

hey- it's possible, right?  it would explain a lot, really.  hehehe.

I feel terrible about eating. I can't seem to get it off my mind. I feel like I had this major binge and I can't be trusted around food. Never mind that there are cookies in the kitchen that I'm not eating. Ignore the fact that there is cheese in the fridge, my one true passion food-wise, and I'm not eating that. I'm being "good". But it doesn't matter. I already failed. And with the way Larry grades, it's impossible to bring my grade up. Once I fail, that's it. I've failed for the entire day.

Each day starts a new test. It doesn't have letter grades. It's pass or fail. Today was a fail. Yesterday was a pass. Tomorrow? I don't know yet. I can only hope it's a pass. I don't want to listen to Larry berate me again tomorrow night.

But how do I pass? It seems like the only thing that makes Larry happy these days is fasting completely. If I have 200 calories, that's a fail. If I have 100, still fail. 10? Yup, fail.

Why? Why does Larry feel that any caloric amount is too great? Doesn't Larry realize I start work on Monday and I can't do a good job if I'm fasting completely? Doesn't he know that I can only fast for so long before my body shuts down and Larry no longer has anyone to yell at?

Larry, listen man, I love you, you know I do. And really, I like having you around. You're good company. But I really wish you'd lighten up just a little. I can live on 100 calories. But I need something, my dear. Please don't make me feel like a terrible person for eating one meal that I immediately purge. I know we have the same goal....or do we?

Do you really love me, Larry? Are you really trying to help me? Or are you the serial killer they accuse you of being? Are you really planning my slow demise? Please, Larry, tell me that's not true. Lie to me, Larry. Tell me the things I want to hear. Hold me in your arms and whisper those sweet lies of hope. Let me cling to my delusions one more night. Love me, Larry.

"I'm Still Here"
by Johnny Rzeznik

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me,
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man..
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
The don’t know me,
'Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

Mmm, wow. What an emotional day.

Do you ever get tired of fighting the same old crap? Crap in your head, crap with your family, just crap in general?

I sit here in the dark sipping a mug of green tea with lemon. I'm trying to calm my stomach. I just purged. My head feels great, my nerves have calmed some, but my stomach's annoyed. My little 4 year old niece is lying on my bed to the left. Man, I love that kid. I don't know how a heart can contain so much love. I love her brother and sister too. And I know you're not supposed to have favorites....but.....she is my little angel.

This morning started, right after I woke up, with a disagreement with my mom. About my second older sister. The one with the 3 kids. Our disagreements are always about her. So anyway, that left me pretty upset for a while.

I try so hard not to be upset with my sister. I try not to be bitter. But we've been dealing with this stuff for the last 7 and a half years (when my nephew was born) and it all just builds up. I feel like I can't take anymore. I'm not strong enough. (No, I'm not suicidal) I just don't feel like I have the physical or emotional strength to cope anymore.

So I sit here, listening to Goo Goo Dolls on deezer.com. I love John Rzeznik's voice. I ought to buy an album when I get some money I can spend. If that ever happens.

I sit here and reflect. There are so many things I want to say to my sister. But I know I never will. And I hold my tongue like a good girl. I play the part I was given. And darn it all if I don't play it perfectly!

It all breaks my heart because I love her so much. How can you love someone so deeply but be so angry with them? And why can't I just get past it?

Sometimes I don't know where I'd be without music. What a dismal world it would be if we had mo music. The beauty of it astounds me on a daily basis.

Eh, I don't really know where I was going with this post. I ate today. I had a quesadilla around 7:00pm that I purged. I had a couple pieces of cheese around 10:00pm that I also purged.

I got to play cribbage with my dad today. He skunked me once and I won twice, so we ended even. It was really nice to do something with my dad.

Well...this post doesn't really seem to have a point, so I'm going to end it now.